Last week I ran across a Facebook video that seemed funny. I can’t remember exactly what it was but the video after was hilarious. So hilarious that I frantically searched the comments hoping some kind soul would name the show. Bingo! Some beautiful man had posted the name of the show. As soon as I saw the title, "My Mad Fat Diary," I fell in love. And no, my being a heavier (and sometimes angry) woman that sometimes wrote in a diary had nothing to do with it.
I Googled the show and thankfully found not just one episode or the first season—I found the whole series! And I binge watched like there was no tomorrow. I won’t say too much, for fear of giving out spoilers, but this show is the bomb. Right off, I felt deeply connected to Rae, the protagonist, and all of her friends and family. Rae was exactly what I wanted to be: funny, kind, strong and a good friend. She stood for all that was courageous and intelligent and so much more.
As I watched the show I developed opinions on each character based on how they treated Rae. Her mother was a dumb goose, her “best friend” Chloe was a self-centered bitch, Archie was a fake asshole and so forth. These people weren’t there enough for Rae. They didn’t care enough. Nobody understood her enough. She was alone in a sea of confusion and emotional pain. It wasn’t until the third season that I realized just how wrong I was.
When Rae read Chloe’s diary our (Rae and I) first reaction was Chloe made up everything to look good. I mean these events didn’t happen the way Chloe described them right? Right? Wrong. Rae was going through so much she only focused on herself. Looking at it from Chloe’s perspective, Chloe was always there whenever needed. You couldn’t say the same for Rae because if she wasn’t complaining about her own life she ignored you or ruined yours. Rae was actually a dumb goose, self-centered bitch, fake asshole and so forth.
Like I said, I felt deeply connected to Rae from the beginning and this made me look at my own life differently. I began to wonder how many times I pushed my own problems onto my friends. How many times had I cut them off when they wanted or needed to speak? How many times had I not noticed they needed me? How many times could I not get past myself and be a good friend? How many times did I not see myself for the person I actually was?
So I want to say sorry. To everyone I’ve ever hurt. For every secret I wasn’t supposed to tell. For every time I cut you off. For every time I wasn’t there. I apologize. Sorry for every time I swept your problems to the side because “You don’t know real pain.” For every time I ignored or avoided you. This is for every time I had an excuse not to help. And for every time I was being fake. I am deeply ashamed of what I did and did not do.
This goes out especially for my family: Mom, Dad, Sam, Tabby, Kia, Annie, Zoey and Nya. To old and new friends: Meredith, Dominique, Travonya, Devin, Daland, Makkah, Alicia, Claudline, etc. To anyone else that has been personally offended I am sorry (although some of you know you aren’t listed for a reason—it’s because fuck you). I'm working on myself every day. I am sorry I was not what I should have been but I do hope you have found that person.
