For those of you that know me, you probably know me as an outgoing, free spirited girl that loves to live life day to day. You probably know me as someone who loves to go on adventures and always has a smile on their face. You see the side of me that I love and that makes me so happy to be living the life that I have been given. However, a lot of you don't know that I have anxiety that has reared its ugly head in the last few weeks. I have been dealing with things that I never dreamed that I would ever come in contact with, much less have to learn to live with.
On November 2, 2016, my world was torn apart when I was laying in my bed at 4 a.m., after a long night doing homework. I was trying to go to sleep when I looked around my room and things began to look strange. I had the overwhelming feeling of that I was not a part of the world around me. I felt as though everything I was watching was a movie. I felt like I did not have control of my body. I was sure that I was just tired, so I hopped in the shower and told myself that I was just having an anxiety attack and that I would be okay in a few minutes. I was even overwhelmed in the shower due to the colors of my shampoo bottles, and the fact everything looked a little too bright and a little too real. I decided that it was best to go to sleep, and that I would wake up in the morning feeling back to normal.
When I woke up to go to work around 9, everything still looked wrong. I felt like I was in some dream state. I can best describe it as that uncomfortable feeling that you can get from waking up after a long nap when you just don't feel quite right. I called my work and told them I couldn't come in, then called my mom sobbing and terrified. I drove home to my mom's house and went to the doctor. He told me that he would give me some medicine to calm me and that everything would be fine. After I left, I still just couldn't shake the feeling of not belonging in the world that I was living in. I went home and cried to my mom the entire day. This is strange for me because my friends and family know I hate crying. I was so convinced that I was going crazy, and that I wouldn't be able to ever feel like I belonged in this world again. I cried and cried to my mom. because I am only 19 years old and have so many hopes and dreams that I wanted to accomplish in the future.
I finally decided that I had to figure out what was going on with me. I did the one thing that you should never do, I searched google with my symptoms. However, this time google actually helped me figure out and understand what was happening to me. I found a website that explained exactly what was happening to me, depersonalization and derealization. I quickly wrote this off though, because my mind kept telling me over and over that I was suffering from schizophrenia or some sort of other disorder that I was sure would send me to a mental hospital. I remember looking at my mom and feeling absolutely nothing. I knew she was my mom, but I didn't feel anything for her. I knew I loved her, but I couldn't feel the emotions. I legitimately lost the one thing that I love most: feeling emotion and feeling alive.
I called my counselor and he had an emergency session with me. He assured me that this happens to people. He explained that sometimes your brain can't handle what is going on and wants to protect you from harm. In order to do this, it shuts you out of reality. I went home and told my mom that I tried to keep telling myself that I'd be okay, but if I couldn't imagine living a life that I couldn't feel. I didn't want to be in a fog and not be able to connect with anything around me.
The next day was a day that truly made me think that maybe, just maybe I could live like that. I was able to go outside in the daylight and not go into a full on panic attack. I went to the store with my mom and soon got overwhelmed. I couldn't deal with all the light and people, and I begged her to take me to the hospital so that they could just dope me up and take away the constant terrifying panic attack that overtook my body and mind. I stayed inside the remainder of the day, but I couldn't sleep regardless of where I was in the house. I decided that I was going to go home and see if that helped. That night I researched what was happening to me. I found someone that had been through the same thing and got better. He let it overtake his life in the beginning, and urged me to go on doing things that I love no matter how scared or uncomfortable I felt.
That night was the night that saved my life. As I sat there and pitied myself, I started to look through my camera role and Instagram, hating feeling like I would never be happy again. While doing this, I saw pictures of my friends and family. I saw their smiling faces and memories that I will never be able to forget. I've never told them, but that night they saved me. They saved me from letting my life spiral into deeper depression. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, but I knew that I wanted to go on. I wanted to feel the love that I will always have for the most special people in my life. I wanted to feel the intense love that is in a bond between a mother, father, and daughter again. I decided that I was going to take my life back.
Here I am today, still suffering from depersonalization and derealization, but I am living a happy life again. I know that it will eventually go away, but in the mean time I am living my life to the fullest, and I am making sure that I value the feeling of my humanity. I have realized that we truly take emotion and life for granted, and I never want to waste a moment again. When I have episodes of questioning if this life is reality, I think of the friendship and love that all of my friends shower me with.
The whole point of this article is to maybe help someone going through this know that they are not crazy, because I am going through it and am still alive, but also to let my friends know just how much they have done for me without even knowing.
Bri, Kim, Kadee, Kaitie, Alex, Marybeth, Morgan, Madison, Tara, Jordan, Mom, and Daddy, thank you for saving me when I was drowning. Thank you for always being here to pick me up when I am down. Thank you for having such beautiful souls and for giving me something to live for. Thank you for never making me feel alone and for always being there for me whether you know it or not. Thank you for always believing in me and being amazing people.
So there it is, the story of what happened to me. Something that I would not wish on my worst enemy. I hope that this can help someone. No matter what you are going through, it gets better. As I've been going through, this my mom has continuously reminded me of this. I decided to get it tattooed on my arm, to always remind me that I can get through it with all the support and love from those around me. No, I am not completely better yet, but I know that the only way up from here is up. I know that my friends and family will support me and continue to give me reasons to be happy every day. Each day I wake up with a little more hope and feeling a little closer to being back to normal. I wake up each day looking forward to living another day that God has blessed me with. I wake up knowing that I am loved and that I AM ALIVE.
