November 27th, 2014 was the worst day of my entire life. If I could go back and change the way that day ended, I would have no hesitation to do so.

My father was such a silly, happy, and bright person. He had no problem talking to random strangers for hours anywhere and when I say “anywhere” I mean that to the fullest extent. Grocery stores, gas stations, flea markets, walking down the street, or even at red lights. He could start a conversation and keep it going long enough to annoy them to where they slowly start to walk backward trying to escape. He never was trying to be annoying, he was just trying making friends. One more to add to the 500 he already had. He would do absolutely anything for anyone. If you needed help with something, he would be there in a heartbeat to lend a helping hand. If you needed to borrow money, he would give it to you even if it was all he had left. He just loved to help people in need. He loved his family too. He had a hard time showing that a lot but we all knew deep down that he did. Even though he wasn’t close to the family that he had left on his side, he always made time to call them once and a while to see how they were doing and catch up. You would have never really thought that he would’ve wanted to cut his life too short...

You never really know what someone is hiding behind a smile and that is terrifying. A smile can mean a thousand words but it can also hide a thousand problems. People think that their life is not worth living and that is why so many people get taken away from us so soon. People don’t always kill themselves because they want to die, they just want the pain to go away. Depression is a serious mental illness and you aren’t yourself. Your body is taken over by what you are trying to fight off and after a while, you begin to feel helpless because you don’t know what else there is left to do. Nobody ever realizes how loved they truly are. They get into this mindset where they don’t feel like they are enough, they feel that they aren’t loved, and they feel that everyone will be happier if they were dead which is never really the case. You will never really know how people are feeling until it becomes too late and even then you won’t truly know for sure.

I wish that he would have said something. I wish he would have spoken up or sought help. It hurts to know that he was in so much pain and there was nothing I could have done to save him. I do not wish this upon anyone, not even my worst enemy. This is the type of pain you feel for the rest of your life. It doesn’t go away you just learn how to push it aside and go along with your day. You feel numb, hopeless, and drained. Your heart is cold, unable to give any sort of love. You don’t eat much at all. I never really understood why people gave others food when they lost someone until then. You push people away because you are so scared that anyone who gets close to you is going to be ripped away from you. You would rather be alone than feel the pain of losing someone all over again. You blame yourself thinking that you were part of the reason that someone who was supposed to love you, didn’t feel loved enough to live the rest of their life. That breaks your heart and it is the worst heartbreak you will EVER endure. There will be times where you think that you can’t bare the pain any longer and there are times when you don’t think you are ever going to be okay again, but I promise that someday you will. You will be okay.

When I lost my dad, I was a mess. I was hurt, broken, confused, angry, disappointed, and terrified of what I had walked into that night. Finding you… completely lifeless… God, I wish I could unsee what I saw.. I tried to do all I could to bring you back even when I knew that you were already gone. I just needed to know for myself that I did all that I could have possibly done to try and save you. I think what had affected me the most was that he knew about my past with my depression, wanting to end my life, and how I used to self-harm but he didn’t reach out to me. When he found out about it we both promised each other that we would never feel that way again and he broke that promise to me. I am really big about promises and that one was the most important one. The one I needed him to keep. It was utterly heartbreaking to have to call his sister to tell her the news so she could tell the rest of the family. I hate so much that I was the one that had to tell her because hearing her break down in tears hurt me. I don’t remember much from that night because it was a blur but I do remember that moment very clearly. I know I called some others but I still can’t remember who they were. Later on that night, I slept with my mom and step dad because I couldn’t be alone. I was too scared to be by myself. Even though I didn’t sleep much it was nice to be comforted by my mom who I knew, felt the same thing I did. Every couple minutes I heard one of our phones go off so eventually I turned mine off because I couldn’t bare to look. I couldn’t open the messages, read the posts, answer the phone calls because to me, it was all a dream. It wasn’t real. He was just out of town for work and hadn’t called yet.

I tried to grow up fairly fast. At the time I deserved to break down and shut the world out, I was holding myself together. I didn’t want to be around many people and I surely didn’t want to be around my family. They would end up just giving me that look of pity and I hated that. I just wanted everything to be normal and I wanted everyone to act like nothing happened. I took a week off of school to get myself together in order to return. I had to go back and face people that knew what had happened, hoping they wouldn’t look at me with the look I couldn’t stand. I just needed to be with people I was normally around because maybe, just maybe my mind would wander into another place. A place of happiness instead of this mind that was dark and scary. I didn’t express to anyone how I felt quite frankly because I didn’t know exactly what I was feeling. People would ask me how I was doing and giving me their condolences but I wouldn’t pay any attention to them. Not because I wanted to be rude, but because I was trying to hold back my tears so I didn’t burst into a breakdown I had yet to release.

The day my first real breakdown happened, I was sleeping over my cousin’s house. Everyone had fallen asleep and I stayed out on the couch so I could FaceTime the person I was dating at the time. I haven’t been alone since the day my dad died because my family was always around, people were blowing up my phone with messages, and my mom and step dad were around to make sure I was okay. That night, I had a lot of time to myself. Time to myself to really think and maybe understand why things had happened the way they did. The person that was on FaceTime with me had fallen asleep so I didn’t want to bother them. Eventually, I woke her up because I didn’t want to be alone anymore. She had noticed that my head was in a different place and saw that I had been crying and said to me, “It’s okay, you can let it out. I’m here for you.” I began to cry. Really cry. I let everything out that night. All that I had held back in order to make sure everyone else was okay was released that night. I just never wanted to feel weak; I wanted to be strong. This was when it became real to me... He wasn’t coming back home from being out of town for work... He wasn’t answering my calls or text messages because he was gone... really gone.

There was a period of time where I hated my dad for what he did. I showed no remorse for how he chose to go. I thought it was selfish. I was pissed because I knew deep down that he could have fought harder and I hated that he gave up so easily. He could have fought for me. He could have stayed and pushed through to watch me graduate high school, move off to college, graduate from college, start a family, start a career, walk me down the isle when I get married, and even meet his grandchildren. He’s not going to be there for that and that is when I need him the most. I needed him for that. He figured that this was what my mom and I wanted which was definitely not the case at all. I was so mad that he killed himself knowing that I was going to find him. Knowing that I was going to walk out of that door leading into the garage and see him that way. No child should EVER have to see their parents like that. In fact, nobody should have to see that. I showed so much hatred towards him because I knew that I was never going to be able to get that image out of my head. Sometimes I still have nightmares about that night and it has been two years. He allowed my last time seeing him to be like that. He showed all of his weaknesses but it was far too late. I hated that I didn’t get to say goodbye and I hated that he left without leaving a note, text message, or even just telling me he loved me before he left that night to do what he was doing. For a long time, I thought that he just didn’t care enough to leave me anything until now. He did it to protect me and simply because he just couldn’t do it. Who could ever say goodbye to their kid? Who could ever say their goodbyes to their kid knowing that it was going to be the last thing that you say to them? Thinking back to our last conversation I now know that it was his way of saying his goodbye to me. At the time I was confused on what he was talking about but it all made sense after that.

With time, things started to become a little bit easier. Losing a parent isn’t easy. It never will be. You will see them in all that you do so they will constantly be in your mind. When you look in the mirror, when you hear their favorite song on the radio, when you see old pictures hanging up in your families houses, and even in your dreams. You will always be reminded of them which will then lead you to be reminded of the day that they died. But you will eventually learn to accept it. You will accept that your life would be changed forever. It took a long time but eventually I learned to cope, understand, and forgive. It became easier to talk about. I was no longer numb. I could bare the pain and feel some sort of love in my heart. I was able to feel the warmth in my heart again.

After losing a parent to suicide you will learn a lot. Not just about yourself but by the way you live your life. It's a terrible thing to encounter but it is also something that you learn from and come out as a different, open-minded person. You will learn to love with all that you have because you never know when you might be seeing someone for the last time. You will learn to accept the love you are given because you are loved more than you ever know. Just because you can’t always feel it, doesn’t mean that it isn’t always there. You will learn to always compliment people more often because you never know what the person beside you is going through. They could be battling things that nobody knows about. They could be planning to go home and end the life they have but with just one compliment or even just by giving them a smile, you could change their life without ever knowing. To you it may not be a lot, but to them, it could mean the world. You will learn that not everyone expresses loss the same way. I didn’t experience the full five stages of grief until at least a year after and that is okay. You will learn to give forgiveness when it’s needed. I can’t say that my father and I had a lot of great, loving memories because then I would be lying to you. He was an alcoholic for multiple years so while battling the issues he was going through he chose to take it out on his family. In order to find peace within myself, I needed to forgive him for all he had done. He wasn’t always kind to me and made me feel very unloveable at times but I needed to find it in myself to forgive him. It took a long time but forgiving comes a long way. You will learn that things are not always what they seem and that it is okay to feel the way you feel. It is okay to be sad, it is okay to be angry at the world, and it is okay to cry. You are a human and you have feelings. You will learn to express yourself and open up to people that you know are going to be there for you. Someone to listen to you when you need to vent or just need to cry. You will learn to accept all that life has to offer you and know that you are able to conquer all that is thrown your way. You will learn to be okay. Losing someone close to you is always hard but you will come out of it stronger than ever and you will truly appreciate the life that was given to you by living it out for yourself and for them. Some days will be harder than others and there will be days where you break down and cry, but that too will pass. Lastly, you will learn to appreciate all aspects of your life more than you ever had before. I started to really appreciate the time I shared with people around me and hold on to those few people who have helped me get to where I am today. People I know who would benefit me and be a great figure to have in my life.

To those who have lost a parent, remember that they are always watching over you. They are so proud of you in all that you do and when you think you aren’t doing enough, look towards them for they will guide you down the path you should be going down. When you are stuck, just know they are there to give you that extra push you needed because they know you can do it.

I am grateful for the moments I had with my dad. Even though not all were great, I appreciate the learning experiences he provided me with that have made me who I am today. In the midst of losing you, I found myself. I reached to my highest gratitude and became what I knew I needed to be. So thank you for that. I will always love you and I will continue to live my life to its fullest because of you and for you. For you, I will stay strong and for you, I will make you as proud as you can be. “We shall meet again in a place where there is no darkness.”