Isn’t it funny how life can change right in front of you, in the blink of an eye? As if God is calling you up on your iPhone, saying “You know, things are getting a little boring, let’s spice it up a little for you.” In fact, sometimes He doesn’t even call, He just shows up for a surprise visit. You wake up one morning and are led to believe that it’s going to be a normal, routine, maybe even great day. And then, BAM! Something happens that changes your life forever. In my case, it was my father’s death. It was a cold day in March, and I woke up and readied myself for yet another day of the dreaded tenth grade Keystone testing. I not so confidently filled in the answers of the online exam, clicked “submit” and headed to my physics class. Little did I know that my teacher would be receiving a call in a brief moment to inform his student that she would be signing out of school. I went to my locker to grab my belongings and made my way down to the office as I tried to think of any possible reason I'd be signing out. I saw my mother and brother standing there, waiting for me. It was not until I saw my mom's face that I knew something was definitely wrong. My mother signed a form allowing me to leave and we headed out of the school’s double doors into the bitter, thick air. We barely made it outside when my mother finally told me what had happened. If only I could pause life right then and there…that last moment before I was made aware of the fact that I was never going to see my dad again.
The first few weeks were easy because it almost didn’t feel real. I felt as if I was having a bad dream, a nightmare, over and over again. Neighbors and friends were constantly stopping by, wondering if we were okay, if there was anything they could do for us, if they could keep us company. It was easy to "forget" that my father was gone because we were never left alone. In the weeks and months following, things began to slowly go back to what some may call "normal". However, even though I, myself, was alive, I didn't feel like I was living. These were the most challenging days. It was finally becoming a reality to me – my dad was not on a work trip; he was never coming back. When reality strikes, there’s no turning back. Moving forward is difficult, but you know that you have to in order to get by. You eventually convince yourself that time heals all wounds, but you slowly realize that this is not the case.
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Every day, you catch yourself thinking about how things would have been different if he were still here. Your heart breaks when you think of your wedding day because you know that no one else can take your dad's place in walking you down the aisle. You cringe when doctors ask you if you still live with your "parents"or when an old family friend asks how your mom and dad are doing. You get so outraged when people that have two parents try to tell you that they know what you are going through. You want to physically hurt somebody if you hear them complaining about their dad because at least they still have one. You want to skip Fathers’ Day every year on out and get extremely jealous every time you see a girl your age out to eat with her dad. You feel like your favorite holidays aren't nearly the same as they used to be. You shut yourself out from the rest of the world on his birthdays and anniversaries of his death. You jam out to his favorite songs during long car rides when you're in the mood to cry. You never stop wondering if he is looking down on you and seeing all that you've accomplished. You never stop missing him.
Losing my father at 16 sure has changed me. For one, I cannot leave a conversation on a bad note. Second, I see life with a whole new perspective – I’ve learned to not take the people or things in my life for granted. Third, I have grown unbelievably closer to my mom and brother during the last several years - they are my everything. Lastly, I have truly grown and matured as an individual. I have a better understanding of who I am and who I'd like to become, I have a higher respect for my family and loved ones, and I am more gracious, honest, and compassionate than ever before. I have the greatest strive to succeed, not only to make my dad proud but to prove to myself that I can achieve anything I set my mind to.
It is true, growing up without a father or father-figure in your life is life-altering. It causes you to worry about things a twenty-year-old should never have to worry about. It makes your heart stop when you call your mom and she doesn’t answer because you automatically think that something has happened to her. It makes you cry when you think of all the things you could have been doing with your dad if he were still alive. It makes you feel guilty when for just one second, you forget about him. It may have been over four years ago, but the effects last forever. Time may have eased some of the pain, but it sure hasn’t healed my wounds.
So the next time God calls you up, gear up and get ready to fight. You have a long battle ahead, but don’t be afraid. Life is one non-stop journey with many bumps and turns along the way. Enjoy the ride as much as you can, but don’t fret if you fall down once or twice. Every time you get knocked down, it gets a little easier to stand back up.
