For those of you who know me and wondered how I lost my weight, this is an abbreviated version of how I did it. For those who want to lose weight, are in the processes of shedding pounds, or who struggle to maintain a healthy body image, I hope you get something out of this. Too often, weight loss is seen as a quick fix to happiness and success. And that is the biggest lie. It is not a straight path, and it can be annoyingly difficult, but the reward is figuring yourself out and hopefully gaining (haha) something out of the experience. The discipline I developed translated to other aspects of my life, which helped improved me in various ways. Whether you’re trying to lose weight or fight through your own crippling depression, you don’t need good luck. Just surround yourself with supportive friends and family, and keep pushing yourself. A half hour of dying on the treadmill is better than an afternoon of guilt for not going at all.

1. Work full time in a fast-paced customer service based job while going to school full time.

I ended my junior year of college in 2014 at just around 250 pounds. That summer, I became more invested in my job as a barista at one of the highest volume stores in the state. I got put to work making drinks more regularly, which involved tons of movement every day (before, I had generally stood more stationary, in the drive through). I worked longer hour hours, which left less time for vegging while I wasn't in school. During this summer, I got rid of a pair of yoga pants that sagged and didn’t stay up while I moved around at work. At the beginning of my senior year of college, I caught strep throat and went to the school nurse to get a note for work. When the student aid checked my weight, I was in disbelief that I was about thirty pounds lighter that I had been since I weighed myself last (about the end of my junior year). I was bewildered for a few days. My diet hadn’t changed much. I had begun to take on other recreational activities—and quite a bit—that summer, which left less money for food and going out to eat. But I got the munchies, so I felt like I binged several times a week. I also drank beer and wine often. The only real difference, besides being more active at my job, was that I no longer drank soda. A new motto I had developed ruled that beverage out because if it doesn’t hydrate you, caffeinate you, or get you drunk, it isn’t worth drinking.

2. Enter a state of crippling state of depression as you simultaneously enter into an unhealthy relationship.

Beginning my senior year, my best friend introduced me to a tertiary friend of his so that this friend might be able to use me as a reference when applying for a job at the store I worked at. I agreed, on the stipulation that I talked to him a little on Facebook so I got a slight feel for who I was recommending. A couple weeks prior to talking to this friend, I had met a man from my hometown on Tinder. The mixture of insane compatibility and my unhealthy need to have a boyfriend caused me to develop prematurely strong feelings for him and when things didn’t work out, I was crushed. As I talked to this new guy over Facebook, the cycle began to repeat itself. Long story short, our relationship was tumultuous and immature. Despite him moving in (rent free) with me and my roommate, we “broke up” every week and fought every day in between. I became uncontrollably codependent, and as demands from both work and school increased, control over myself and my life decreased. More or less supporting the two of us, bad habits and all, which left little money for groceries. At five dollars a six-pack, Rolling Rock became the main course for many of my dinners. The last straw came when I picked my boyfriend up at my job after coming home from a short Christmas break with my family, and he unwillingly admitted he had feelings for another girl. It wasn’t until several months later I found out he cheated on me with someone else. For the next couple months, I fought to regain any shred of self-confidence that I had.

3. Get a prescription for Topamax. After a few months, get a prescription for Citalopram to counteract the negative side effects of Topamax.

The day before I broke up with my boyfriend, I had seen a psychiatrist to get some immediate help with my depression, which by now was draining me to the point my family said something to me about it. Within the course of about an hour, she concluded that I had borderline personality disorder (BPD) and wrote me a prescription for Topamax to more or less “ween” me off of recreational activities and stabilize my moods. When the second psychiatrist I saw at my school told me about this medication, she said it was used to help coke addicts through withdrawal. The Topamax made me feel foggy and disconnected from reality. I had even more difficulty focusing, and even though I didn’t feel good, the pills dulled my emotions and at times invaded my mental state. Another, and perhaps the most crucial part of this medicine, was that I stopped eating. Whatever it was, I lost any and all appetite I ever had. During the first few days, I had to make myself eat because food seemed downright unappealing. I chalked it up to depression, but one day I was eating my favorite sandwich from Subway and I couldn’t keep it down. After that, eating and remembering to do so became a chore.

4. Work out, eat right, and drink lots of water!

Remember that best friend of mine who introduced me to my ex? Well, he happened to be super into health and fitness. His goal was to gain weight in the form of muscle, so he was very knowledgeable when it came to sharing information about a healthy, active lifestyle. For Christmas, he got me a month-long membership to the same gym he worked out at. I was still above 200 pounds at that point, but rather than be offended, I appreciated his gift. In his own way, he saw how unhappy I was because of my relationship and troubles in school, and aimed to help me in the best way he knew how. It is no secret that working out lowers stress, and I was so desperate to get rid of stress that I nutted up and made the gym a part of my daily routine. After one week of working with a trainer (he had also bought me four free personal trainer sessions), I lost eight pounds. I developed an attachment to the elliptical and did that for half an hour three to four times a week. My best friend spent more time at my apartment and taught me how to cook and gave me suggestions on cheap and easy meals, though the majority of my meals still came from past-date sandwiches that would have otherwise been thrown away at work. Over the course of spring semester, I dropped to a couple of classes and worked as much as I could. I became better and faster at making drinks, and many days I stayed on bar for entire eight-hour shifts. Oh yeah, and I started guzzling every drop of water I could get my hands on. The combination of Topamax and smoking recreationally every two to three hours made my mouth a literal desert.

5. Maintain a consistent routine of working out and learning to cook. Never stop improving. After about a year, get a prescription for Adderall and run your ass off.

The whole process of losing weight never ends. I unintentionally and unknowingly lost 30 pounds the summer of 2014. Over the course of 2015, I took Topamax off and on but continued to self-medicate with illegal substances and alcohol. I kept working out and losing weight. In April, after months of mixed signals and poorly hidden feelings, my best friend and I started dating. That summer, I was promoted to a shift supervisor. This whole time, I continued the watch the numbers on the scale get smaller and smaller, hitting goal after goal. My routine hadn’t varied since January that year; I still used the elliptical religiously. Crippling social anxiety and a fear of looking stupid or using the equipment wrong kept me in my comfort zone. I hadn’t taken Topamax or Citalopram in half a year, but I entered counseling in an effort to find something, anything, that would make me less sad. The new doctor I started seeing helped me in a dozen ways, including a way of teaching me how to reason through my emotions when they seemed out of control. He also told me that even though I might have had symptoms of BPD, it didn’t necessarily mean I had it. In December, I quit smoking to let my body detox as I started the process of becoming a substitute teacher. At the end of the month, I hit 150 pounds, a solid 100 pounds less than when I maxed out almost a year and a half ago. In 2016, my resolution was to never stop improving. Unrelated, I started buying Vyvanse, and for the first time in a long time, I felt good. One day at the gym, as I headed to the usual elliptical I used, I changed course and hopped on a treadmill. I was racing with adrenaline and was ready to go, go, go! I told my counselor I wanted a prescription and he set me up with a psychiatrist to write one for me. Since then, I fell in love with running and can now run up to three miles. The numbers on the scale have gotten as low as 145, but even when I fluctuate, my body has started to lean out and become toned.

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As I write this article, I have been mentally preparing myself for changing my workout routine by adding strength training. The road to success never ends, because if it did, I would have stopped at my goal of losing 100 pounds. Instead, I constantly remind myself that numbers are just numbers and it is my health that matters more. I find myself, more than I would like to admit, developing a thinspo-type mentality. Too often, weight loss is portrayed on the Internet and social media as a checklist or twelve-step program like AA. It isn’t cut and dry, and I feel like I cheated or took the easy way out when it came to losing weight. People congratulate me, but I always feel the need to leave out the part about the depression and the medicine, out of guilt. I tell others that they can do it, but the truth is, could I have done it without the help of Topamax or Adderall? And then I realize, it doesn't really matter, as long as I continue to get better not just on the outside, but on the inside as well.