I have at least a million insecurities and anxieties about my body. Maybe more. And living with each of them only gets harder and harder.
Once I find one, I can't seem to ignore it. They seem to pile up in lists and I check them off as I look into the mirror.
Chubby Thighs.
Stretch Marks.
Back Rolls.
Muffin Top.
Pale Skin.
Bloated Belly.
Acne.
Chunky Face.
Cellulite.
Flabby Arms.
Scars.
Dry Skin.
Crooked Teeth.
The list goes on and on and each day, I find something new.
Living in a body that you hate is really, really hard. It means waking up in the morning and laying in bed and touching your belly and wishing it was flatter. It means changing your outfit a thousand times before you leave the house because nothing looks good on you; then when you finally leave the house in what you decided to wear, you regret it all day. It means constantly worrying that people are looking at you and thinking negative thoughts because of the way you look. It means skipping a meal every once in awhile because you think you'll be too bloated afterwards. It means that accepting a compliment about how you look that day is extremely difficult and you just end up doubting if they were even being sincere. It means that summer outfits are the hardest: swimsuits, shorts, tank-tops, crop-tops - all just fill you with self-doubt. It means that some days are so hard that you feel even the baggiest clothes can't cover up your flaws. It means staying home instead of going out because you just can't imagine anyone seeing you. It means not sitting certain ways because you feel uncomfortable that someone might see your rolls or leg dimples. It means that you never stop comparing yourself to everyone else around you, and wishing you had the bodies that they did. It means buying a size too large just because you don't think you'd fit in the smaller one and you prefer things not to be skin tight. It means being conscious of every little jiggle. It means the Instagram models make you feel like you'll never be comfortable in your own skin. It means that every workout isn't to make yourself healthier but to hopefully someday look in a mirror and not cringe at what you see. It means walking past a mirror in a bra or undies and having your day be ruined. It means that people think you're just seeking attention and compliments when you talk about how you feel fat, when in reality you're just trying to let your feelings out. It means struggling to be intimate with someone because you cannot stand the way you look with clothes on, let alone without. It means deleting pictures or refusing to post them because you think you look terrible. It means pulling skin back or pushing it up in the mirror to see what it would look like if you were skinnier, thicker, or more toned in certain areas. It means trying a ton of diets and exercise routines and still never being satisfied with the results. It means constantly wondering 'what if' regarding your body and if it could be different. It means not being able to be the best person you can be because you can't stop focusing on what you look like.
Having a negative body image is one of the hardest things I have struggled with. Don't get me wrong, there are some days where I am very happy with the way I look. But more often than not, looking into a mirror and being happy with what I see looking back at me is nearly impossible. It is a major setback for me most of the time; I can be having a great day but then focus on an insecurity and I'm bummed out for the rest of the day. Lacking confidence in what I look like really ruined a part of me.
BUT - that does not mean I am not trying to fix it. I am trying to embrace all my flaws and realize that they aren't really flaws at all - because they make me who I am.
To anyone else struggling with their body image, here are some tips to get through it that I've found help -- surround yourself with good, caring people who want you to love yourself. Play your favorite music while getting ready. Dress sexy, embrace your curves or lack of. Find something you like on your body and focus on how that shadows some negative aspects. Exercise and eat well, drink lots of water. Don't follow people with unrealistic or fake bodies on social media - they're just going to make you feel less because most likely you can't buy what they did to make themselves look that way. Give yourself a compliment every day. Realize that your body is the only one you have, take care of it and love it. Understand that confidence is beautiful and there are only beauty standards if you make them a standard in your life.
You are beautiful, no matter what.
Please remember that.
