The House I Lost Myself In by Aspen DeMasters

It was the second semester of my sophomore year. My day started parallel to every other day at school. I woke up late. My little brother was exclaiming that we need to leave now or we'd be late. I threw on some clothes, a little bit of makeup, brushed my teeth and off we went. There was nothing special about that day. It had been the same for the last couple of months.

I went to school while it was dark outside and after basketball practice I went home when it was dark. It was always dark in the middle of January. Although, this day had an ordinary surprise: a new kid. I wouldn't have even noticed him if he hadn't sat at my desk. After that everything was simple and short, maybe some conversation here and there but nothing more. He was the new kid in my class, but without hesitation everyone loved him. He made friends really easily and it made no sense to me but I despised him for it. Then one day I saw him; I undoubtedly noticed who he was and yet even worse I developed a "crush" on him, and I didn't even know him. I felt delirious, like a little kid looking at candy. My stomach filled with butterflies, but my mind was asking how could something become of noting in a matter of seconds? That's when I knew he was gonna be trouble. A couple months went by and we slowly became friends and trust was a natural thing between us two.

I can see through people all the time. I notice things that aren't noticed at first, things they say, their body language, the way they present themselves in general but for some reason he was still so mysterious to me. I couldn't see through him and that was what caught my attention. I kept thinking to myself about how absolutely insane it was to be crushing on a guy I don't even understand. Time was always flying by when we were together and we grew closer, and my crush became closer and closer to hopelessness, otherwise known as the friend zone. Then finally, my hopeless crush wasn't so hopeless after all; had asked me out. Everything was still vague, but I enjoyed how it was working out. Before I could even register what took place, let alone how or why, I was invited to his house.

I was so apprehensive about everything! He had planned on picking me up at 5, and I was so nervous that I wasn't ready by the time he arrived. It was a romantic cliché. On the way to his house my stomach turned into knots. We discussed music during the drive. The car somewhat slid as we pulled into the muddy driveway and I remember how there was a small amount of clutter around the bland, white door. The house was pretty small on the outside but when you walked through, everything was so open. The stairs had a display of antlers as you walked up them; the wood floors stood out the most. They were beautiful shades of reds and browns. After a small tour of his house, I met his parents. I remember it so vividly because they immediately welcomed me as family. His mom made tater tot casserole and deep fried mushrooms (I quickly passed on the mushrooms). As we sat down to eat, we noticed a small spider on the window and that's when I learned that he was terrified of spiders, just like me, but in that moment, that spider wasn't so terrifying.

I slowly learned what love was. It was killing that small spider. It was staying up to late nurse the migraine; the head cold; the extensive football injuries; it was just being there no matter what. It was nothing and everything at the same time, unconditionally. I picked up on his little phrases, favorite music, movies, snacks.

I forgot about my family, my friends, and in general people who were involved in my life. I didn't even know that one could love that much, but I did. I loved to a point to where I didn't know if I loved myself. Little did I know that loving another requires you to love yourself first.

I was blinded by love. Little by little, fibs began to snowball. The problem with little lies is that after a while they turn into large scale problems. I never expected it to happen to me, but it did. Unfortunately, the big reveal is one of my strongest memories. It was Halloween, and we planned on having a movie night with his brother and his girlfriend. We waited for about an hour for them to show up. My phone was about to die so I borrowed his phone; that's when the lies came out, and everything began snowballing.

I wanted to leave. I didn't want to be there anymore, I just wanted it to be over. Even though I wanted to leave, I couldn't. I was two hours away from my house and I was his only ride. I fought through the tears and acted like it never happened. I was blinded by the hurt, but even then I learned that you can't just leave when things get rough. Somehow the timing was perfect. They showed up and we set up for the movie.

Months went by, and for some reason things seemed better, easier, and happier. The trouble is that we were both ignoring the underlying issues.

Much of the love started to fade.

Fights started to occur more frequently, and just like a snowball, they grew and eventually turned into large scale problems. We had less energy, less affection, less of everything a relationship requires. That's when I knew that I was falling out of love. It wasn't exactly what you'd call easy, and it wasn't by choice either. Falling out of love is by chance. By chance you weren't made to be together or grow together, because by chance it's better this was.

After eleven months together, the relationship ended. I felt confused and asked myself what I could have done differently and if I ever really was good enough, pretty enough, or even smart enough. At the end of the relationship, my friends weren't exactly there for me either, so I ended up losing friends. I had no choice but to keep my life busy so that my mind distracted. I became best friends with Cosmopolitan Magazine and my life was like any stereotypical, teenage romance movie, except I never got the guy back.

However sad that may sound, during this time I learned that moving on was completely personal. It required me to love myself again, and I did. I took the blame, the snide comments and the time. I found new friends, and things that are truly important to me.

My mindset changed completely. I am now very open-minded and have learned that love is stronger than any form of hate. I found that family, friends, self love, and communication are everything. Your family and your friends should always have your back. They will be there when things get hard, but you can't be afraid to communicate with them.

Most importantly, you have to love yourself before you go about loving anyone else. I experienced the truth behind lies and how eventually everyone ends up where they need to be, with who they are meant to be with, doing exactly what they are meant to be doing. When I look back now, I still remember that bland white door that is never used,and the beautiful colors that run through the wood floors. I admire the house that I lost myself in. I admire everything that took place, because no matter what happened, that house helped me become the person I am today.