Jealousy poses the greatest threat to the future of a relationship. In offering a piece of our self to another, in opening up a door to our world, we stand to risk so much. There's vulnerability in sharing with someone secrets and ideas that we’ve never shared with anyone else before. It's only natural that instability and insecurities can conjure up a sense of jealousy at times. We don't want to lose someone so important to us. However, jealousy can create a lot of problems. It takes many forms and has many different disguises. But, one thing is for certain about jealousy: It is a feeling that can dismantle a relationship before it even begins. How one deals with and understands jealousy can play a major role in dictating the trajectory of a relationship.
There are so many ways jealousy can be present in a relationship, but the most important thing we can do to try to understand it is to analyze its origins and underlying causes. Where does jealousy come from?
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Past Experiences
Jealousy can stem from various episodes and experiences in someone’s life. It can have its roots in what you’ve perceived and come across. Perhaps you’ve been cheated on in a prior relationship. It could be that your parent cheated once before. Maybe you’ve known a friend who cheated on his partner. It might even be that you’ve cheated in the past and understand the risk of someone doing the same thing to you. Whatever it is, if you fail to explore the origin of your jealousy, you immediately fall victim to its effect on your relationship. You allow jealousy to take over and manipulate your own feelings towards your partner, even when your partner is not to blame at all. No two relationships are the same, so trying to compare your relationship with another one accomplishes nothing. A lack of trust and an unwillingness to believe in your partner is one of the worst ways to embark on a new relationship. If you truly want to free yourself from the shackles of jealousy, you should make a sincere and conscious effort to understand your past experiences with it. It is in understanding our jealousy and coming to terms with our past that we are better equipped to establish stable and loving relationships going forward.
Guilt
With that said, jealousy can often take place when someone has something to hide. The cruel reality is that if you are cheating on your partner, then what is stopping your partner from cheating on you? Guilt can be a major source of jealousy in a relationship. When we look around and see a man stopping his significant other from going to a bar for fear that she will go home with someone else, it is often he who has the problem and not her. He might be covering up a darker, more sinister tale. Why does that man think something will happen? Because he might have done the same thing to her once before. Often times, the same sort of man who does not trust his significant other also does not trust himself. People who have cheated on their partner before feel jealousy because guilt manifests itself in fear—fear that your partner could do the same thing to you. When we cheat, we drastically alter the way we perceive our partner because we’ve completely decimated our commitment to one another. Men and women who cheat on their significant other lack trust because they fear the same thing happening to them. There is no longer anything stopping reciprocity. Sometimes the ones in a relationship who are the most jealous are also the ones who can be trusted the least.
A Need for Control
Jealousy can also be from one's desire to establish control over another person in order to carve out a sense of authority in the world. Maybe it is a repressed sense of helplessness in life, or a feeling of weakness. It can be that work isn’t so good and your boss treats you like a lapdog. It could be that you’ve been picked on in school or have been the target of your friends’ jokes. Either way, this form of jealousy is inherently dangerous. The need to control someone else is extremely unhealthy and can never contribute positively to a relationship going forward. You’ll never show someone how much you care for them by objectifying them and treating them like a possession. Your partner is not a toy at your disposal. Love is wild and free. If love is to grow and blossom into something beautiful, it must not be forced or controlled.
A lot of the time, jealousy is derived from a person's insecurities. Sometimes a person feels inferior to others. That person believes that there is nothing stopping a significant other from running off into the sunset with someone else. If these insecurities are left unexplored, they can be extremely detrimental to a relationship.
A Quest for Perfection
Jealousy in small doses is perfectly natural, but when it crosses a certain threshold it can mean a world of problems. For some people, there is a desire and a quest for perfection in a relationship. We think that there is one archetypal relationship and that if ours doesn’t fit into a certain mold, it will surely falter. The reality is that all relationships are different and just because Billy and Sally spend every moment together, doesn’t mean that is necessarily the best thing for everyone. It’s necessary to create channels of communication and establish ways to deflect our frustrations. When we keep our concerns to ourselves, they compound and become increasingly detrimental to a relationship. These concerns become unhealthy strains of jealousy and often create destabilizing forces that drive a wedge between two people.
What We Can Do About It
Transparency is important in preventing the proliferation of jealousy between two people. There is no reason you shouldn't feel comfortable sharing information with your partner. Most of the time, insecurity and lack of trust within a relationship have their origins in past experiences or current wrongdoings. If you or your partner have been cheated on or have cheated on someone else in the past, then you should take the time to explore what happened and work to understand how to prevent that going forward. Be open and willing to discuss your actions and emotions with your partner. If you’ve experienced jealousy, tell your partner so as to clear the air and allow them into your world.
Trustis also the key to any solid relationship. Trust yourself and trust your partner. Believe in love and don’t succumb to fear and jealousy. When it all comes down to it, jealousy has its roots in your own insecurities. Love yourself first. Trust yourself and your own decisions. Learning to understand and manage your past and present insecurities is the first step to a healthy and loving relationship.
