This time every year is always the same. It is filled with the same activities, conversations, etc. Everybody wants to know each others' New Year's Resolutions; most of them having to do with losing weight. Maybe I'm displaying selective hearing because I'm more sensitive to the topic, but it seems that year after year, the talk of, and goals of losing weight increase. This is unsettling to me for many reasons, but what I can never seem to let go of is how much it hurts. Despite logically knowing that the number on the scale rarely paints an accurate picture, I have a hard time hearing a person say she wants to lose "x" amount of pounds. I know 99% of people don't use numbers in this way to be rude, but hearing it makes my recovery more difficult. The casual ways numbers are thrown out hit close to home. Even adjectives that are used to describe non-weight subjects including big, small, tiny, large, etc., paint the picture of size. Do we ever stop and think about how this affects people who may not have the luxury of a good relationship with food?

I battle with food and exercise every day. I hear the negative committee holding meetings in my head even after I tell them to, "Shut up, and sit down." I know this will be a part of me forever. I've accepted that. What I still have difficulty coming to terms with are the thoughts around how I look, my appearance, my body image. Other people may refer to them as distortions, but in my eyes, they are still real truths. While I don't remember the last time I stepped on a scale, hearing numbers often scares me because the voice in my head will tell me that I can do that too. I can lose an unhealthy amount of weight in a short amount of time. I can cut out certain food groups and I'll be fine. I already weigh too much; I should go to the gym more. False. Never mind these being unhealthy scenarios for me, these are unhealthy scenarios for anyone. I know this logically, but emotionally I still believe that voice.

At the end of January, I'll be in my first production in many years. It is a memoir of a young man's struggles with his own eating disorder. Yours truly will play the eating disorder. I personify the voice I try so hard to ignore. I realized that I was upset with society for continuing to be so casual with numbers, weight, food, etc., especially as we begin 2017. Maybe I wished I could make similar goals, or wished I didn't have to fight so hard every day. However, I decided that my steps, (no, I personally do not call them goals), don't need to be approved by anyone else. After all, I don't live for anyone except myself. In understanding this, I recognized that in a way, one of my steps does involve this very concept, but in a different way. Given the foreseen struggles with my character, I have to put in a great amount of effort to leave the character on stage. I cannot take that character with me. I cannot hear that voice more than I already do. Some may say that the production is only a month. It's such a short amount of time. That's not a real goal. Except that it is. Sometimes for me, a step is going to class, or asking a professor for extra help. Sometimes my step is getting through, moment by moment. So while others may be aiming to lose weight, I'm aiming to not let that voice gain back control.

Having struggled with body distortions as well as disordered eating and exercising since I was four years old, I can see how I may have more of a bias, but I know I'm not the only one. I know how difficult it is to live in a world that is obsessed with image, and fake image I might add. Being surrounded by unrealistic portrayals of the ideal body makes it easy to lose sight of what really matters. I lost sight of that a long time ago, and it is not an easy process to reverse. To me, the most important thing a person can be is her authentic self. Yes, it is much easier said than done, but in looking at the whole picture, I ask myself, "Why is there an ideal? Why is there something we feel we have to strive for? That's saying we're all supposed to look the same." That would be extremely boring. If there was no variety at all, and everyone adopted the flawlessly airbrushed look, I bet people would still find something to complain about, something to criticize. That's just the kind of world we live in. I'm guilty of it too. One of the consequences, though, is that we lose sight of what really matters. Us.

#youmatter