Nobody likes arguing, not really. It's emotionally draining, and both parties are usually never happy. Every little argument can slowly chip away at a relationship's trust, it's very foundation, until both parties slowly go their separate ways. Unfortunately, arguing and confrontation are very important aspects of living in a society: you deal with people every day, and things are not always going to go your way. The important thing in a confrontation, or an argument, is how you present yourself and how you deal with not getting what you want.
- Ask
Oftentimes I hear of people making the critical mistake of asking “around”. If you think someone is mad at you, the number one thing NOT to do, is ask literally everybody else if they’re angry, or worse: why they’re angry. If you think your relationship isn’t healthy, or you’re feeling repressed and exhausted from it—ask. Directly go to your friend, and ask them, because maybe there’s something else going on, and they’re projecting—either way, you deserve answers. This is alright to do because you guys are friends, you have a foundation of trust, so use it.
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- Never Attack
“I” statements are a very important tool to have with you. You are never going to get answers, especially answers you want, if you come into a confrontation shoving all the blame onto the other person. Directly blaming them, and saying things such as “you did this”, or “because you did this” is a sure way of not going anywhere constructive. Just like you would, they will get defensive, and will be unwilling to give in any way to this conversation.
-Growth
Remember that you aren’t going into this confrontation looking to throw blame onto someone else. You are going into this confrontation to understand, and grow from the situation. Remember that you’re not allowed to tell somebody how they should feel about something, or how they should react. All emotions are valid, so invalidating theirs is not going to move your argument in a productive way. You want to grow, and educate yourself from this experience, not throw it away.
Confrontations are an important aspect of life, but the word itself is a little misleading. When we think of conflict we think of wars, and while that’s correct, there’s another way of thinking about it: disagreement for growth. That’s how things change, people disagree, and all parties learn from it. If you go into a confrontation like you would go to war, you will get that reaction, but if you go into a confrontation looking for education, you will get that reaction. Conflict is scary, but it is how we resolve things, and move forward. Sometimes that means breaking a relationship, but if that’s the way that it has to be, that’s the way.
