Can all of my dog-loving readers please raise a hand? Or should I say, a paw? Starting off an article with a joke is a great way to warm readers up. And you know what else can warm a reader up? Cuddling with a dog. Starting an article off with two jokes is a great way to prove the existence of a god. Or is it?

Growing up with a Golden Retriever not only taught me responsibility and honesty, it also taught me to question everything. Thinking back on my life thus far, running a hand across my dog's soft head will always be my favorite memory. I remember one instance of this in particular. It was the day after I was first forced to recite "in science we trust." I had become despondent and went to my dog for comfort. You see, until the age of seven, I had always believed in heaven, hell, and the holy trinity, but then my stepfather enrolled me in the Atheistic Academy for Advanced Americans and everything changed. In order to soften the blow, he bought me a Golden Retriever that same day and boy am I grateful!

My early weeks at the academy were quite rough. Changing your worldview is miserable but it was always so nice to come home to a puppy who loved to snuggle. It all became a bit easier when I learned that dog is a palindrome for god. I told my dog this fun fact about the English language and she didn't respond. Either she didn't care or she couldn't hear me, which is the same lesson I was taught about God and my prayers.

Growing up, I didn't have many friends, which was tough because I always wanted to play catch. But let me tell you, there's no better dog to play catch with than a Golden Retriever. Sometimes, I would be a little trickster and throw her toy in the lake, yet she would still always go out there and grab it. She looked so calm out there with the sun shining down on her and the waves gently caressing her fur, never realizing how vast and empty the lake was. No one cared if she brought the toy back. Nothing mattered at all.

When my dog was about six years old (or 42-dog-years-old) she ran away for a few hours. I cried while searching and prayed that we would find her. That was one of the saddest dinners I've ever experienced, but after eating my fourth Crunchwrap Supreme and taking the first bite of my fifth, I heard a knock on the door. My mom went to go answer the door and lo and behold, it was my dog. She had been knocking with her paw! Golden Retrievers have this remarkable ability and I bet you didn't know that because you were too caught up reading scriptures.

For the next year, I told my friends that God had brought my dog back to me. After all, I'd prayed for this specific occurrence to occur and it had occurred. However, in my dog science class at the academy, I learned that Golden Retrievers have an excellent sense of direction. My dog used hereditary traits that had developed through evolutionary processes. It's (not) a miracle!

Recently, I came across an internet meme of a dog that is referred to as doge. Just for fun, I decided to discover what word I would get if I reversed that word. The answer was…egod. Yes, I was thinking what you're thinking right now: egod could also be spelled as eGod. This implies the existence of an internet god. Maybe, when the internet reaches a certain point of development, it will essentially be a collective consciousness. Yes, that's right. The thoughts and ideas from all of humanity will be stored on an ever-changing, omnipresent "mind" known as the world wide web. Technology may be the god we've been searching for this whole time.

My dog may have eaten my Halloween candy one year, but I will be forever grateful that she gave me profound ideas about collective consciousness and that she cuddled with me on rainy days.