Did you recently break up with a guy? Did some dude do you wrong? Does he drive you crazy? Did things not end well between you both?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, this is the guide for you.
Guys are idiots. I’m assuming we can all agree. They break up with us, and really, it’s their loss. They did us all a favor by exiting our lives, so let’s all help them out the door with some splendidly awful tricks that will make them miss you and/or realize where they went wrong. Enjoy and use this manual wisely.
Disclaimer: Please do not get arrested by committing any of these acts.
1. Write a song
Do you ever feel like T. Swift, the song master galore? Do you feel creative enough to get your revenge through music? Sharing all of your very personal moments within a few minutes of a catchy tune and hateful words? Perfect. And who knows? Maybe your Youtube video will go viral and you could become even bigger than T. Swift herself (not an easy task, but I wish you luck.) You could be making millions of dollars, win a few (or 50) Grammys and date Hollywood’s most eligible bachelors. Doesn’t sound too shabby to me.
2. Set a fire to all of his things
In this step, be like Adele: set fire, not to the rain, but to his things! Get some kerosene and a few matches. This combo along with his home, photographs, clothes, et cetera will make quite the event. All of your memories turning to ash? Literally? What a great way to start on your spring cleaning!
3. Tell everyone he’s gay
This is one for the guy that broke up with you for no good reason. Did he tell everyone that YOU were “too clingy” or “crazy”? No worries. The easiest way to get back at him is to start telling everyone that the real reason why YOU ended your once great relationship is because he’s not actually attracted to girls. Start spreading this piece of news to females especially. Add fun details about how you always knew or just make up some scenarios that are good enough to make any girl skeptical of this newly single bachelor. He shouldn’t get the credit for the breakup. You got this.
4. Date all of his friends, brothers, father figures, etc.
Does your ex have a super hot friend, a brother, a dad, or any other type of guy in his life? Without a moment’s hesitation, DATE HIM. Date them all, actually. All at once. Date as many of his loved ones as possible. That should be the equivalent to a slap in the face.
5. Expose his secrets
Whatever it is: the time has come for the truth to be exposed. Email his boss, parents, friends, and family members from an anonymous account. Let the fun unravel.
6. Bring in the one guy he was always jealous of
This step is the most effective when you’re “on the outs” and not totally broken up yet. If you and your ex-guy are still in the same friend group, bring that one guy that your ex always seemed to be jealous and suspicious of when you two were together. It’s always nice to make your ex squirm as you chum it up with your best (and super cute) guy friend.
7. Call his mom
Anonymously call his mom stating one or more of the following:
“Excuse me, ma’am. Your son has been running a drug-trafficking operation from his apartment. I thought you should know the FBI is coming soon.”
“Your son has been admitted into the hospital for his use of too many erectile dysfunction medications.”
“Is this ______’s mother? Hi, my name is (make up a name). _______ hasn’t been answering his phone in the last two months and he owes me (this amount) in child support. Do you know how else I can reach him?
8. Put laxatives in his food
This one requires breaking into his home. Mix liquid laxatives into all of his open beverages. Crush up pill-form meds to a fine powder. Then place those into his cheeses, sugar, salt, etc. You won’t get to see any of this hell occur, but at least you’ll have the pride of doing the deed.
9. Hair removal cream in his precious shampoo
Was he obsessed with his hair? Break into his home. Get hair removal cream with the least amount of crazy odor. Mix it into his shampoo and conditioner (if he has any). Maybe even add it into his lotions, hair gels, soaps, body washes, or really anything.
10. Attack his car
This is a fun way to unleash your inner psychopath! Break into his car. The following are ways to really get back at him. And even Carrie Underwood herself has given some tips.
- Potato in his muffler
-Spray cooking spray (i.e. Pam) on his windows.
-Special order bugs or pests into the vehicle.
-Place dead fish under the seat.
-Dig your key into the side of his pretty, little, souped-up, 4-wheel drive*
-Carve [your] name into his leather seats*
-Take a Louisville slugger to both headlights*
-Slash a hole in all 4 tires*
-Make a scrapbook with photos just of yourself. Also, add articles of clothing and maybe a messily-written account of all of your activities. Make sure it looks convincing enough to make it appear as if he’s stalking you. Then, call the police to report your ex as a stalker. The police will investigate, and if you did a good enough job, your ex loses. You win.
(* Carrie Underwood lyrics)
11. Icy Hot his toilet paper
Enough said.
12. Poopsenders.com
This website literally will send any type of animal poop to someone’s doorstep. And if your ex tries to see who sent it, they actually have to dig through this “gift” to reach the bottom of the box that has the name of the sender. But when they reach the bottom, the company doesn’t reveal anything. SO, your ex just spent time and private humiliation with his hands in poop. Great, right?
13. Mess with his cologne
Add urine from any animal. Boom. Roasted.
14. Be happy, ignore the last 13 choices, and move on?
SO…. Move on. Be happy. Leave all the memories behind. Be yourself.
