I know, I know. It’s the end of the semester. This article is something I should be writing at the beginning, not the end. But trust me: getting good grades is not about trying hard or starting a project before the last minute. It’s about manipulation and panic.

I’ve been in school for fourteen and a half years. I know how to get a good grade. How else would I get into college? In the end, it all comes down to guilt and how to get your professors to feel it.

To set the scene, here’s a story: it’s the last day of finals, and you had all week to study. But you didn’t study and you don’t intend on ruining your last night on campus by doing that. So you walk in on the day of the final with little to no knowledge to back you up. It might look like there is no solution to this. You might think you need to kiss your dreams and future goodbye, because you might be thinking you’re going to die alone, a sad failure. However: have no fear, because Manipulation is here!

What you need to do is act fast: professors can tell when you are just working to trick them into giving you sympathy. If you take your time, it’s much more obvious. Don’t have doubts.

The moment you walk into the room, start crying. Ask to speak with your professor outside and then lean in for the final kick. You have them right where you want, need them to be. This is where you cinch the deal. While you’re crying, you’re not talking clearly. You’re crying so hard, it’s more like blubbering. All the professor can see is that you’re upset, and they don’t know what to do. And there you have it. You’ll get an A.