(Original poem at the end, "What I Never Told You About Your Depression")
You cannot help who you love. The bond you feel with someone can influence you to see past many barriers, and attempt to overcome issues you previously thought you couldn’t. Love is never easy, but loving someone who has depression brings up unique challenges and situations.
Depression is a mood disorder that has symptoms lasting for over two weeks. Thankfully, the stigma against mental illness is slowly being challenged, and we now have more research, information, and resources about this disorder and others. However, that doesn’t necessarily make a relationship (romantic or otherwise) with someone with depression any easier.
Loving someone with depression can be both rewarding and heartbreaking. You hate seeing this beautiful person that you care for feeling empty and useless. People with depression can become lethargic, are sick more often, or don’t find things they previously loved to be fulfilling anymore. You may feel like this amazing person has become a shell of themselves. It hurts to hear a genuinely good human being tell you that they can’t see why you are with them, or they don’t see what they have to offer. Not only is this hard to hear, but it can become frustrating day after day of trying to convince someone who does not want to be convinced.
It can be rewarding when you see them improve. When they finally see a therapist, or a new medication shows promise. You feel special that you are one of the few people they keep contact with or confide in. And when they experience a high (a time where the depression isn’t as present) it’s easy to forget the bad times. However this presents its own issues. You may let yourself believe that it will always be better, but remember it’s not their fault when the depression hits again.
Confusing feelings of love, sadness, resentment, anger, pity; they all seem to fling haphazardly through your mind. It’s difficult, because it can feel like you shouldn’t talk about your feelings when they are experiencing a bad episode or week. I’m not saying that a relationship is impossible; I’m saying it presents its own challenges (just like any relationship you will ever have). However, there are important things to remember.
Caregivers are at risk of experiencing massive burn out. If the relationship starts to affect your mental health, it’s okay to back away, because the relationship is no longer good for you. It’s easy to feel responsible and scared that you leaving might make it worse. However, you deserve to be happy. Never forget that just because they have difficulty feeling happiness, this does not condemn you to never feeling it yourself.
As much as you want to help this person you love, you can’t do anything if they don’t want to be helped. You cannot force them to get better, and it’s not your fault when they don’t. I promise, they do not blame you for their depression and neither should you. In the end, it depends on the specific people. It’s not impossible, but it’s also not for everyone.
I was in a year long relationship with someone who suffered from depression, and it did not work out. Here is an original poem I wrote about a week before we broke up, depicting the feelings that can occur from a situation like this.
“What I Never Told You About Your Depression”
That I’m exhausted; you sleep all hours.
I can’t rest till I know you are okay.
It exists in episodes, so I often forget
Until these bad times start up again.
That when I tell you all the good things,
It hurts that you can’t see your worth.
I feel ugly, when your sex drive plummets;
But it’s not about me.
That I’m dating two people, the one I love,
And another who loves to put him down.
You say the relationship isn’t enough
You don’t remember after; I can’t forget
I feel selfish, I just want to talk about
my day; but it’s not about me.
I want you to fight harder, make an
effort. I forget you are trying
I feel inadequate, you’re not happy
You swear I’m perfect; a reason.
That I wish it would go the fuck away,
but you’d change it if you could.
It feels like too much, can I be strong?
But you end it instead, and I’m free to be weak again.
