If I want to sum up my sophomore year in 6 words, these six words will be: "It's been a year of f*ckboys."
My friends and I read too much into this and went close to analyzing every situation. We went from "Seems like you only attract d-bags" all the way to "Do not think about it, maybe it is your luck."
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Until I reached a point where I did not care to have an explanation. If it is my personality, my attitude or my luck, I honestly could not care less. However, one of those not very successful "dramas" still resonates a lot with me, with every social justice talk I go to at school or a discussion I have with my friends about privilege and race. He was not your typical f*ckboy which is why he stood out, I guess. He had different ways of screwing things up.
We had a lot of good memories that still make me smile when I am feeling lonely at night or when I am stressed with the weight of the world.
I also have the bad memories. We shared the good memories but he made me carry all the bad ones alone because it was always me who had to feel less worthy- he had nothing to worry about. One of the last things he said to me before we stopped talking was: "It would not have worked anyway. We come from very different backgrounds. It is unintentional but we just care about very different things. For instance, you try not to miss a social justice event and I am not about this life."
What life are you about then, when it is your country and your people?
We focused so much on our differences that we overlooked the things we shared in common.
This dude proved to me that he had been trying so hard to feel empathy and compassion to the less privileged yet he could not, even if I am considered one of them, according to the Western privilege standards. He could not because it is not his problem. He could not because if it is not his problem, then it is no problem at all. If he does not see it or experience it, then it is not there and he will argue whoever tries to open his eyes for him, which is why we argued a lot. I thought "illegal immigrants" should not be called "illegal" and should have a chance. He thought they should not take what is not theirs. I thought that refugees should be let in the more privileged countries. He thought that they are dangerous. He always thought something that not only bothered me, but offended me as well! Instead of addressing the problem, he chose to accuse the victims of victimizing themselves, disregarding the fact that no one chooses to be a victim. Playing victim puts you on the side that no one wants to claim: the weak side.
At the time when I was taking pride in being the president of the religious group that represents my faith, he asked if this is the kind of reputation I want to develop for myself on campus!
A year later, I can say that I learned the lesson the hard way.
I learned about lack of empathy from him. I also learned about white privilege from him. I had always thought that it only takes two people who like each other to make a relationship work, until he taught me that it takes two compatible ideologies for a relationship to work. We do not have to be of the same race, religion or background, but we -for sure- have to be compassionate and respectful. I am not asking you or him or anyone to be understanding of all the world problems, because no matter how much you think you understand, you do not. You do not understand something until you live it...experience it. I am only asking for empathy. I'm asking you to look beyond the facts, figures and the should be s, and instead look at the what ifs. What if you were that first generation guy from Mexico whose parents -the immigrants- worked their a** off to get him to college? What if you were those college students who were shot at their apartment at Chapel Hill because they were Muslims? What if you were born with a skin color that society considers unfavorable?Understanding is acquired by experience whereas empathy should be inherent by birth.
I wanted him to fit my understanding of a socially aware partner, and he was nowhere close. It feels awesome to have privileges in life, but how you are using these privileges is what really matters. Are you even aware that you are privileged?
Unfortunately, it did not end in a good way for either of us. You can either say he was too socially oblivious or I was too socially aware. Our different ideologies were always in the way. They acted like a blur on all the other good things we shared together.
Although I have always been a big fan of interracial relationships, I realized that I had not known enough about them before I knew him. An interracial relationship is great- it exposes you to a different world represented in someone you love and care about. However, it can only work if you are open minded enough to let it be and risky enough to gamble your stakes.
I gambled on him and I lost, but I do not regret a single bit of it. I like to believe that I taught him something because I did learn a lot from him and would do it all over again, if I had the choice.
It is college. You learn, learn and learn some more.
