Nothing like sitting at home, scrolling through Facebook and absentmindedly stuffing your face with a bag of M&Ms that you found in your purse but don't remember buying, when you see it. Pictures of smiling people holding hands, someone down on one knee, a shiny diamond ring. Oh no, not again. Someone else just got engaged.
What does that make it now—372 engagements already this month? That's weird. Do you even know enough people for this many of them to be engaged? Are they all the same people getting engaged multiple times? How many gifts are you gonna have to get? Better start considering picking up a second job to afford all of those blenders you'll be buying.
It's crazy just how emotionally polarizing it is watching all your friends get engaged and married. Like, you wanna be happy for them, obviously. They're ready to spend the rest of their life legally attached to someone else and they're excited about it—so naturally, as a good friend, so are you. They're thrilled to become adults and do the whole adult thing with the marriage and the house and the kids and the having a tax guy and paying bills and understanding insurance, so you're thrilled for them, too.
But then there comes the dread. Soon, your mind is swimming with questions ("Can I wear the same dress to two weddings in a row?" or "Am I going to have to get a spray tan to prevent the happy couple from thinking that they were being haunted when they look back through their wedding photos?") and the depressing comparisons. ("She's already getting married and all I got today was indigestion" or "He's gonna be a husband and my only plans are to watch the 'Criminal Minds' marathon this weekend.")
One of the things I have become an expert at now is avoiding the bad parts. I don't want to spend an entire three days in an engagement announcement-related emotional crisis just because I can't stop wondering what kind of track my life is on compared to someone who is my age and already prepared to start their real adult life (OK, the crisis will still happen, but I don't want it to be happening).
What I have found to be the best way to ward off engagement-announcement depression is to find literally anything else to do. After all, if you keep busy, you can't let the existential crisis sink in! If you're in need of something to do to keep busy, here's a list of things that have worked for me in the past:
1. Go to all the Five Guys Burgers and Fries in your area.
You don't necessarily have to buy anything; just go there. Be a part of it. Visit all the people who probably know you by name or at least face because you have been there so many times. And also, you'll probably be at least a little hungry by the time you get to the third location, so you can reward yourself with a delicious burger and the most unhealthy fries ever.
2. Teach yourself to sing a bunch of power ballad duets.
It takes up time and it's emotionally cathartic. Like, nothing will help you move on from emotional damage like screaming along to a love ballad. Plus, knowing both parts to any duet will make you an ideal karaoke partner. My recommendation? Start with Diana Ross and Lionel Richie's "Endless Love."
3. Sit in a Target cafe and watch people.
Everyone knows about the people who shop at Walmart. If you can identify the kind of people who shop at Target, you can publish your findings and gain fame and fortune, probably. Or at least you can get a Coke Icee. Those are the best.
4. Create a meme.
This one will probably take months—if not years—of careful cultivation. You have to understand the Internet; you have to know how to work it. You have to be simultaneously clever and simple, comedic and serious. It takes finesse to create such strange, meaningless garbage. Good luck.
5. Raise a bunch of lizards.
They're really cool and all your friends will think you're cool and so will the lizards, probably. If you get enough, you'll have your own army of lizards, which is something that not a lot of people can say they have. Plus, you can use these lizards as an excuse to not go to weddings—like if you aren't there to watch all the lizards, who knows what will happen? For the sake of society, stay with the lizards.
6. Catalog every single thing Ice-T ever said in the 16 seasons he has been on "Law and Order: SVU."
How many hours have you spent scouring the web just to try and figure out what kinds of nonsense everyone's favorite detective from the Special Victims Unit of the New York Police Department said in episode 78 of the acclaimed police procedural? I know I have definitely been there. At some point, someone has to to compile this list, so why not you?
