Children’s Halloween movies: they seem like a harmless aspect of the Halloween season, something to put you in the goons and goblins spirit. Except they are not harmless, they are actually twisted and strange and the writers must have very obscure visions of what kind of ideas we should put into the heads of those who are the future of our country.

Little did you know back when you sat down with your Kit Kats and flipped on the Disney channel that your life would never be the same. Your easily impressionable child’s mind would grasp onto the scenes that played across your television and cling to them into your adult years. Who knows who you would be today had you not seen these films in your youth.  

1. Halloweentown
Taught me that just because a place sounds cool, it does not mean you want to go there.   

Okay, the magic bus and the giant pumpkin in the square make it seem all fun and good at first, but fast forward to the movie theater scene with the petrified viewers and the angst-y man in the top hat and I’m out.   

2. Don’t Look Under the Bed
I learned hanging your legs off the side of your bed WILL end you.   

You may be in college, but you still feel uncomfortable hanging your feet off the end of the bed. The boogeyman is a ridiculous childhood character, but just in case, you don’t stand too close to the hollow space beneath your bed. Better safe than sorry.   

3. Hocus Pocus
Nothing in life makes sense.   

Seriously, I just re-read the plot of this one and I still don’t know how it all adds up. As a child, watching this film only taught me that there are so many things that I don’t understand. Also, that putting catchy sing-alongs in movies is actually one of the cruelest acts known to man. Good luck getting “I Put a Spell on You” out of your head now if you ever saw this one.   

4. Beetlejuice
Acquired a permanent aversion to striped suits.   

Okay I don’t know that this one is actually supposed to be for kids, but somehow a lot of us were exposed to it in the early years and I personally have never been the same. I haven’t seen this one in a while, but what I can remember of giant sand-worms and some twisted form of reverse shotgun wedding to Beetlejuice still doesn’t sit right. Granted, thinking about the movie now it seems truly intriguing, but I’m convinced it caused premature stress lines back in my childhood.   

5. It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown
Learned to accept life’s defeats from a young age.   

This movie is a beautiful introduction to mediocrity and disappointment. I love Charlie Brown, but a guy can only get so many rocks in his trick-or-treat bucket before you begin to doubt the decency of society. Not to mention, if I remember correctly, the Great Pumpkin never actually shows up. I thought kid movies were about embracing fantasy. Thanks for the reality check, Peanuts.

Once seen, these movies can never be unseen. So, take the lessons you learned from them... and invest in a heavier lock for your door.