It’s 2 a.m. and I can’t stop thinking about what I did. I should feel guilty, but in this moment, the shame I should feel subsides into desire. I wasn't tempted. I was enamored. I could say I was broken by a moment of weakness; truthfully, this decision was a long time coming. I feel a strange sense of relief. It’s finally over.
In 10 minutes, I’d broken a monogamous relationship with an all organic diet. Beside me, an empty bag of Cheetos acts as my only witness. The orange dust settles into my fingertips, like an irremovable imprint.
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My misbehavior both is and isn't what it seems - I'm a crash dieter.
I’m what dietitians would call a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Based on my size, you’d probably guess that I was a consistently healthy person. In fact, it’s often the opposite.
Cheating is my release.
Life is, and was unpredictable. Diets and health regimens were a way to control myself- although, not always beneficial. There were many instances, but the most notable happened when I was 17. Inspired by a few friends on my dance team, I went on a raw vegan diet. It was supposed to revitalize, but it caused detrimental impacts that would affect me for years to come. I lost an inordinate amount of weight, until I was well under a healthy limit. Within weeks, it caused spiraling health problems that coincidentally lowered my self-esteem.
I ran from insecurity into the arms of control. I wasn't doing it the right way. Truthfully, "right' is a subjective term, but it falls under a certain scale. If a healthier mind and body achieved through cleansing methods were the pinnacle, then my diet and its subsequent consequences were the poster child for adverse effects. Our bodies demand balance. I misunderstood the concept of clean eating. I went too far in the other direction. I robbed myself of essential nutrients in an effort to avoid the consequences of eating processed foods. In seeking control, I had managed to derail my progress. Like a pendulum, I found myself swinging between the extremes - overly healthy and overly unhealthy.
Faltering is human, but a cognizant continuation is irrational. There’s a difference between holding yourself to a high standard and setting yourself up for disappointment. Having high standards is different than having high expectations.
Rather than restricting yourself, try re-positioning into a realistic goal.
Do it because you want to be good to yourself. Do it because you feel better afterwards. Do it because it gives you energy to be around the people you love. Don’t do it to reach a size or goal, because that’s not sustainable. Chasing numbers is the equivalent of chasing a person. It’s exciting and difficult, but when you finally achieve it, you may realize that it’s no longer enough. That’s human nature. Instead, seek happiness. It doesn't require any moderation.
