Disclaimer: I'm not trying to hate on Beyonce and blame her entirely; I just want to point out an issue that is so much bigger than just her. I know it may sound like I am just hating on her, and part of me probably is, since I am a product of our society and in our society we are taught to think less of women, especially women of color. I've internalized 23 years of misogyny and changing my thought pattern is a battle every single day. I'm simply using Beyonce as an example and I do not want to attack her personally or as a person, or think she is any less because of this.

I was really excited to see Beyonce's Homecoming on Netflix, although I waited a while to see it and halfway through watching it I realized why. One of my biggest insecurities and fears revolves around fat phobia. I know it's not socially acceptable to admit this, but I don't want to have kids. I am so scared to have kids because I'm so scared I'm going to get fat and hate myself. Hear me out though:

I know it's in my gene pool; all the women on my father's side of the family blow up after giving birth. My aunt especially is someone I saw go through this and I know that if she reads this she would get really sad. She used to be skinny and like many women thought that her self worth was measured by her appearance and how "skinny" she is. When she got pregnant with Ibrahim she gained weight and has not been able to lose it; I'm pretty sure her metabolism changed entirely. The thing is, seeing my aunt go from loving herself to hating her body and feeling shame for being "bigger" after having her kid terrified me. I know this may sound horrible but I could see how my aunt saw her kid as the reason why she wasn't skinny anymore, and although she would never admit it, resents him for it.

I too am scared that I won't love myself if my body changes after giving birth. In the head space I am right now, and all the body dysmorphia I have; I don't think I could have a kid and be okay if I got bigger. I don't think I am ready to deal with the possibility that I could hate myself more than I already hate myself. Then I started watching women talk about loving their mom body, and how they are not going to be shamed into going back to their "old bodies". I now understand the importance of that, and the pressure women feel to "go back to the body they had before birth". I think it's such a big slap in the face to womanhood and our bodies as women. Beyonce starved herself and worked so hard to go back to the body she had before the twins and that doesn't sit well with me. She may not say it, but her actions show that she is not accepting her body changing. So many women feel this pressure too, and I don't think she is a role model when it comes to this.

I do know she is a performer, and I can't even imagine the type of pressure she must feel to look "right"; I just wish she was honest about it. I wish she would share her journey; and not just when it is profitable or convenient.

Ever since I was in high school I've tried to be like Beyonce. It also didn't help that my friends would hype me up and say that I looked like her. I even remember this guy in Chicago texting his roommates before we came home and said that he found a Beyonce at the bar. When I walked in, their roommates were like, "shit, you weren't kidding".

But looking up to someone like Beyonce has caused a lot of body dysmorphia and unrealistic expectations. First off, this woman gets paid to be a performer; and I clearly do not. She can afford to go on crazy diets, but I can't. And I am sure as heck not getting paid to starve.

It all started freshman year. That was the year my track coach told me that I needed to lose weight and around the same time when Beyonce did the master cleanse and lost 20 lbs in 10 days. When I did the cleanse I felt ill. I was moody, couldn't stop shitting and my butthole throbbed; and not in the cute sexy way. That's when my eating disorder really took off. Starving didn't look like what we are conditioned to see; and that is because I'm not white. But if you were around me during the last 5 years; the signs were all there.

I know Beyonce advocates for black women, and I can't quite see it. How does a black woman advocate for an identity, when she changes everything that makes her black? She's permed and dyed her hair blonde for a long time. How is she an advocate of beauty when she starves herself just to fit into her old performance costumes? I don't judge her for trying to make the best of being a minority in Hollywood and feeling the burden that many people of color feel when it comes to assimilating to white culture. But I can't bring myself to idolize her as I once did. I am also not bringing this up to ignore or deem "less than", all the work she has done for black communities; I'm just pointing out some flaws.

I don't think she represents women of color when it comes to beauty and relationships. You're telling me that Bey advocates for "loving yourself", and being comfortable in your own skin when she doesn't allow herself to eat normally? It's taken me awhile to realize this; but starving myself to look "pretty" is not love.

It was the end of my freshman year of college, when Jay Z cheated on Bey; and it hit me hard. I'm not trying to take away from their own emotions and how hard it was for them. I do know that, as someone who grew up worshipping Bey, I turned to her when I was cheated on multiple times and her music encouraged me. It encouraged me to never stay in a one sided relationship and when she took him back I felt lied to. I felt like she was saying, "Do as I say, not as I do". Beyonce is not the first woman to take back her cheating husband and won't be the last; and I don't want any part of that culture. I know how faithful I am when I love someone, so the fact that someone can find excuses to cheat is not something I tolerate.

Again, take this with a grain of salt. I can honestly see myself in a decade from now looking back and probably eating my words. I do know that people are stupid sometimes and make stupid choices. I do think that forgiving someone that cheated can happen, and it's not to say that the relationship can't workout. I just know that in my current mindset I can't fathom cheating and it comes across as me being judgmental.

I only know this, because I have been a doormat. I have stayed with guys that have cheated and I hated myself for it. Once they cheated I was never able to trust them again. I would lie to myself and pretend that I was over it; but I wasn't. When Bey took him back, I felt like there was no one in Hollywood that truly loved each other. It scared me. To think that this whole time I've been taught that if someone loves you they don't cheat; when the reality is that I'm supposed to accept my husband cheating on me? And I'm just supposed to forgive him, what for the kids? Fuck that.

I couldn't believe that the same person preaching in her songs that "since I'm not your everything, how about I'll be nothing, nothing at all to you, Baby I won't shed a tear for you", would take him back. I just feel like everyone has been cheating for so long and it happens so often that we start to think that it's okay.

At the time, I held Beyonce at such high standards, and that's not fair. She is human and makes mistakes; and she is allowed to take back her husband because that's her relationship not mine. The part where I have an issue is that she seems to preach and empower women by something she doesn't do herself and I wish she was honest about it; and for that reason I don't think that she should be someone we look up to. She doesn't really live up to her own standards. I know she didn't ask to be famous or have this platform; but she does, and I think that's just the responsibility that comes with it; whether she likes it or not.

Again, I do think Beyonce is a good role model. She is empowering women, I just want to make it very clear not to subconsciously think that her actions as a performer apply to regular women.