I remember the only time I could sleep peacefully was when there was a thunderstorm. Because I could only fall asleep when the outside was just as chaotic as the inside of my head. Anxiety takes control of every aspect of your life. You can’t eat, sleep or even breathe. I forced myself to breathe the air that I no longer wanted. I forced myself to do a lot of things just to try to achieve happiness.
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Anxiety is something that has a stigma—like everything. And it’s so hard for people to get the help they need because they are afraid of judgement like I once was. I thought it was something I could deal with on my own. I mean, it was my mind right? I put myself through this mess so, I could get myself out.
But I was stuck. I was drowning in my own thoughts and I couldn’t escape. I put on the façade that I was perfectly fine. I laughed even though I felt nothing. I smiled to hide how I was really feeling. I moved around like robot because I had obligations.
Long story short, it took a lot for me to talk to somebody. And I figured out how I could personally deal with my anxiety. (Every individual deals with it differently.) I found out that my way of coping was through distraction. Being a creative person, I found peace in reading, painting and writing. By forgetting about my worrying, I was happier. I put all of my effort into creating and imagining, and I noticed that I was worrying less. I was laughing for a reason and no longer had to smile as a form of hiding my sadness.
It sounds like a simple solution, but it took a long time for me to realize this. I had to face the fact that I was depressed. It’s hard to look at yourself in the mirror and realize you have a problem you have to deal with. And when I finally did talk to someone, the solution didn’t come easily. It took a lot of digging and time for me to find out what worked for me.
So, I slowly painted. And I read books. And I wrote stupid stories. I created instead of dwelling in my worrisome state of mind. I was slowly, but surely, finding happiness.
Flash forward 5 years and a lot of people look at me and are surprised that I was ever depressed. I know now to be very optimistic about life, and I take every second as a blessing. It truly is. To finally be happy and not have that burden on my shoulders, is something art gave me. Art saved my life. And it sucks to hear people say that art is stupid and not worth their time, because I owe all of my time to art.
My life and world still exist because I found peace in painting and writing. I look back at all my work and I couldn’t be prouder. I read my writing and it’s sad. I see my paintings and they gradually get happier. It’s so rewarding to see the proof of my battle. I owe my life to many people and things that helped me overcome my anxiety. God, family, friends, and art. Art was everything. Art is everything to me.
