The world is falling apart. Hate crimes have become blasé, and I have a blister between my thumb and my index finger. Today, however, I will be focusing on none of that, as I am not well versed enough in either issue and there is already fantastic literature on both. No, today I will be focusing on something much less relevant, and that is that the song “Can’t Help Falling in Love” is not a happy song that celebrates love, you idiots.

People herald Elvis Presley’s “Can’t Help Falling in Love” as a triumph of romantic music, but if you actually take a second to listen to its lyrics, you realize that it isn’t a song of love — it’s a song of defeat, and grieving, in a sense. Also, yes, the song was originally performed by Elvis and written by three people who are definitely not Elvis, but they also were not Twenty One Pilots, or Ingrid Michaelson, or whatever gum company that commercial was. This isn’t to say that “Can’t Help Falling in Love” isn’t a beautiful song. It is, and I strongly praise whatever talented young black musician it was undoubtedly stolen from, but you’ve got to stop using it as the first dance at your wedding, good lord.

The Lyrics:

1. “Wise men say/Only fools rush in/But I can’t help falling in love with you”

Within the first three lines of the song, there has already been a precedent set that you are an idiot who does not listen to logic, reasoning or anyone’s advising. You may perceive this as a romantic notion. Let’s phrase it differently:

“Experts say doing this thing is stupid, but I’m going to do it anyway.”

Less poetic? Yes. More effective? Hopefully. It is very clearly being stated that, warning: this is a bad idea. And yet he persists, seemingly against his own wishes.

2. “Shall I stay?/Would it be a sin/If I can’t help falling in love with you?”

OK, now he is recognizing that being with this alleged “you” would actually be a blunder in the eyes of the gods. Firstly, calm down, you aren’t that special. Secondly, is that really the way you want to start your budding nuptials (and, no, that isn’t innuendo)? By implying that your love is so bad or so flawed that it is actually unholy? How would your overtly Catholic grandmother take that?

3. “Like a river flows/Surely to the sea"

Let’s be clear, rivers are guided by a current. This movement is an involuntary action, which, if you bring this personification to its natural conclusion, leaves you (the river) stranded in a body of water so much larger than yourself, scared and entirely out of control.

4. “Darling, so it goes/Some things are meant to be”

Although it was written later than this song, do you know where else the line “so it goes” has been popularized? In Kurt Vonnegut’s 1969 novel “Slaughterhouse-Five,” where the phrase appeared anytime after death was referenced. And if there’s anything more romantic than death, it’s something with the word “slaughterhouse” in it. Swoon.

5. “Take my hand/Take my whole life too”

This could be perceived as being genuinely romantic, the idea of sharing your life with someone. But the singer is saying that they will give up their entire life to “you,” should “you” ask, which is actually pretty damn disturbing. After all, it generally isn’t sweet when you “take someone’s life.”

6. “For I can’t help falling in love with you”

And last but not least (as the rest of the lyrics are just repeats), is the title of the song. It doesn’t imply strength with each other, or even in yourself. It implies helplessness and hopelessness. This is an inevitability, but not a good one. It could not be avoided, despite the fact that it should have been. This is, for all intents and purposes, a horrible idea, but we’re stuck in it. Great ideas to start your marriage with, right?

Bird pictures of the week: