Now a days mental illness is becoming more recognized about what they are instead of making assumptions about what it is or who it affects. I have been dealing with social anxiety since I was 17-years-old. Now, I am 23-years-old and I feel like it's gotten worse as the years pass. I can be very bubbly, out going person and will laugh with that makes me happy and you would never know what is really behind the mask I have on everyday. My hands are tingling, I can feel them starting to shake, starting to sweat. My mind is questioning everything, should I go home? Or should I just stick it out? My stomach turns I feel like I am about to throw up. Suddenly I can't breathe. I am in a constant battle with my own body and it's a horrible experience to know that out of all the things you are fighting with your body becomes your worst enemy to date.
It has taken me a long time to finally accept my anxiety, let alone the depression that followed. It made me understand that I have issues and it's okay to recognize them and not let this THING take over me. Every day is a new battle. If I make it home without completely crashing or make it for the next day I know I'm winning. Slowly, but as long as I push through it I can beat it.
How did my family react to my anxiety? Honestly, I don't know. My mom tried to understand it but these are things that if you've never experienced it it's super hard to explain. When I had my first severe panic attack that landed me in the hospital that's where my whole demeanor changed. During that time my mother was battling cancer and I was under a lot of stress because I was my mother's sole provider. Which made everything that much more intense. My mindset completely changed and I just sort of did everything on impulse with no real understanding of the consequences that came from it. I would never wish this on my worst enemy. I pray every day would be a good day.Anyone going through similar events, know you shouldn't be ashamed to talk about mental illness. I'm not proud of it but I'm not ashamed about talking about it either. It should be talked about more not questioned of it's existence. It exists and it affects many people in a lot of different ways not just anxiety, or depression. They're not the whole definition of Mental Illness but they are in within that meaning.
Coming to terms with my anxiety meant more motivations for me to get out there and over come it as much as possible. I still I have break down every now and then. I feel sick after and many think I am just giving in to it but know that certain situations trigger my anxiety. I breathe in deep and let out and repeat. Then I immediately disappear and cry because it's the only way I can control the situation. Every time I have a panic attack it takes a little piece out of me. A piece that I can't get back. It's hard to describe it, it's as if I am missing something.
When dealing with each of our own Mental Illness, we feel alone and cut off from the world because they fail to have mere understanding of what its like. For family or friends that have someone they care about it know we just want support and that unconditional love. We are already fighting with our won bodies we don't need to feel like we are fighting the world too.
Every day is a different battle but I know one day I'll win this war.
