According to eatingdisorderhope.com, over 10 million females and 1 million males in the United States struggle with an eating disorder. I am one of those 10 million. It all started my sophomore year of high school, but really became prominent my junior and senior year. During that time, my boyfriend constantly put me down for how my body looked and made me feel fat and unlovable. He convinced me to eat less and be self-conscious of how I looked. I was 5’3” and weighed only 115 pounds. I was only eating 800 calories a day. Unfortunately, what I did eat, I ended up getting rid of later for fear of gaining weight. Thankfully we broke up, but this struggle lasted for years after we broke up, and I’m still recovering from it.

In June of 2012 I joined my high school’s cross country team, in hopes of losing more weight. Instead, I gained about 10 pounds of muscle mass. I was finally eating healthy and started getting a healthier self-image. I was a runner. I was dedicated. I was happy.

Image taken on August 23, 2012

Then college happened. I was so scared of gaining the freshman 15, so I made an oath to lose 15 pounds my freshman year instead. This only started my eating disorders for a second time. During my sophomore year of College, I relapsed. In the fall of 2014, I was down to 120 pounds. I was doing everything I could to get back to 115, believing the lie that once I got to that weight I would be beautiful again. I was only drinking coffee in the morning, and not eating anything until dinner. I was also running seven miles a day. Nobody knew what I was going through, except for me and my body.

A few months after this picture was taken, on March 11 2015, I ended up in the emergency room due to a heart condition. They told me the condition appeared out of nowhere, and may have been genetic. They gave me a packet about it to read when I got home. One of the main causes of this heart condition is anorexia. Immediately, I was disgusted with myself and the lies I was feeding myself. I was trying to starve myself to feel beautiful and alive, but it only left me dying from the inside out. My body was starting to kill itself.

Perception of Love

Love is a word that is so overused, yet under expressed in today’s society. We tell people we love them, but we don’t show it. Our words don’t line up with our actions. Experiencing different eating disorders has only made this word more incomprehensible to me. My ex-boyfriend taught me love is found in physical, materialistic things. Love is found in a cup size, or the tightness of our jeans. He taught me love is not found in our eyes, words, actions or selfless acts.

I have such a hard time experiencing genuine love without questioning the motives behind it. I can’t be with anybody without toxic thoughts running through my mind such as: Are my thighs too big? Is my butt too big? Are my breasts too small? Are my eyes too big? Is my stomach too fat? Is my hair long enough? This has ruined relationship after relationship. No matter how many times someone tells me I’m beautiful, I can’t get myself to believe them. I convince myself they are just saying empty words to flatter me. Hardly ever do I think they actually mean it. These eating disorders fed me a lie, telling me I was unworthy of genuine love, or any form of kindness. My eating disorders taught me to hate myself and push anyone anyway who showed me love.

Over time, I’ve learned love is meant to be pure, selfless and genuine. To genuinely love anyone, you have to realize their flaws and be able to love them in spite of it.

Perception of Life

Life, I've come to understand, is more than the day-to-day activities we busy ourselves with. Life is full of imperfections and health problems. These eating disorders caused a crippling heart condition which has taught me the fragility of this life. With every hospitalization, I was reminded of what may have caused the heart condition. I was reminded of my eating disorders.

I have learned to appreciate life and all it has to offer. I have chosen to be thankful for each day, while working towards loving myself amidst my imperfections. If I don't strive to make myself alive and healthy, I will end up frail and death-bound.

Perception of Success

Eating disorders have an extreme amount of power concerning the idea of success. Most individuals who have experienced an eating disorder feel like failures until they reach their goal weight or their goal calorie intake, no matter how small it may be. We may success in academics, the workforce, or even in our love lives, but if we are not at our ideal weight, we view ourselves as failures.

On my road to recovery, I realized I would always consider myself a failure with this mindset. I would never be enough to myself, and I would live every single day in the absence of enjoyment. In the eyes of an eating disorder, I would always be a failure until I lost a certain amount of weight, or fit into certain size clothing.

An eating disorder convinces us to eat less, while the disorder itself eats our positive self-esteem and skews our perception of love, life, and success. If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, please don't suffer alone. Seek help, no matter how humiliating or dehumanizing it may feel. A toll free, confidential number offered through Helpline is 1-800-931-2237. A volunteer is there to help you with your journey. You don't have to suffer alone.