One of the hardest things I’ve faced is acceptance of the things that I cannot change. No matter how hard I tried, no matter how much I prayed, wished upon shooting stars or when the clock struck 11:11, how hard I made myself not look at the clock because I so desperately wanted my wish to come true. Even when I thought it was coming true, it happened in a way I didn’t expect. It was like life was showing me what I thought I wanted wasn’t what was meant for me. But I did not like the process of having to realize that.
I’m one of those people who can preach all day long on what I think you deserve or what I think you should do, but when it comes to myself, I don’t listen to my own advice. One instance where I didn’t listen to myself is when a boy came into my life, and for four years, I was tortured by his boomerang behavior. Always coming into my life and taking me on a whirlwind of emotion, then dropping me back off where he last left me. He made me believe that I was different; that I made him feel feelings that he could not shake and no matter what, we always seemed to come back together. For four years I had this image in my head of what we could be if we just tried, but I had to accept that it wasn’t our time yet, that one day the universe will shift and everything will fall into place and we will be together. Turns out it wasn’t that I needed to find acceptance in timing, but I had to accept that in the end, he wasn’t meant for me.
Long story short, him being my boomerang, he never stuck around. The last time he came around, I fell hard for him. Completely vulnerable, I let my guard down and let the emotions flow out of the gates so carelessly, everything I felt was out there. In his defense, I know it's scary, because most guys hear the word "feelings" and completely run the opposite direction. But that’s just who I am: I put everything out there (if you read my article before this one,(https://www.theodysseyonline.com/your-story-of-lov…) you know that I love love).
I don’t like to play games. If you want me, freakin' fantastic. If not, that’s OK, too. So, anyways, back to the story. We saw each other a few times after four years of not seeing each other and it was, in my opinion, amazing. I truly thought that this was finally the universe shifting. I no longer had to accept that we needed more time, but now was our time. Then out of nowhere, with no explanation, he was gone. I saw him one day and then never heard from him the next. I had to learn to accept that.
According to Julie Axelrod, there are five stages to acceptance, and the first is denial.
Denial:
The last time I saw him was probably the best time we had together, so it didn’t make sense that, all a sudden, he would just stop talking to me. The only thing that I could come up with is that, after I left, I texted him that I liked him, but understood if he didn’t feel the same way. Which honestly, I didn’t think was even possible for him to not at least feel somewhat the same way I did. But I never got a response, so in my mind, I told myself he must have never gotten my text. Maybe his phone broke. Hell, maybe he’s missing or all 10 of his fingers were broken. I was in denial that maybe, just maybe, he chose to ignore me and leave me with nothing but a few memories and all these emotions and questions that had no answers.
Anger:
Boy, was I pissed,once I stopped making up excuses for him and realized that no, he wasn’t missing. His phone worked perfectly fine and all 10 fingers were still intact. I was so mad, I thought about being that crazy person you see on TV who drives their car through their house (don’t worry, I only let that thought stay in my mind). I don’t understand why people make other people feel special, loved and wanted to just leave them with nothing, as if you're brushing them off your shoulder like their now insignificant. Not knowing that what they're doing causes the other person to second guess themselves and ask themselves, "Did I do something wrong? Am I not good enough? Why waste my time?" Knowing how I felt, knowing I was falling and you knew you had no intention of catching me the whole time. Asshole.
Bargaining:
This is where the second guessing yourself comes in. You sit there and ask yourself all of these "what if" questions. "What if I would’ve done this?" Or, "What if I would’ve done that? Would they still be around? Would they have wanted me then?" That’s the cruel thing about the bargaining stage, because in this instance, if you feel this strongly about them, surely they have to feel the same way and ask themselves the same "what if" questions you ask yourself! We make up excuses for them for why they did what they did. Eventually we move on, but we always hang on to the little hope that they’ll come back and answer those “what if” questions.
Depression:
I didn’t let myself get affected by him to the point where I fell into a depression. Because if I obviously meant so little to him, I wasn’t going to let him affect me in such way. It made me sad for sure, because for four years, I had this love form in my head that he was this great, amazing, sincere person who I felt like I knew for my whole life. We shared this "what if," electrifying connection that was all for nothing. Just disappointment, and accepting that I was wrong about everything was hard.
Acceptance:
After replaying the moments I spent with him in my head, after asking myself a million questions, after countless bottles of wine and after belting out many songs, I finally accepted that he was never meant for me. I accepted that, no matter how I tried to twist and turn it in my head, he never truly cared for me and never truly wanted me. If he did, he wouldn’t have done what he did, and you know what? That’s OK. As Sylvester McNutt says, “Closure happens right after you accept that letting go and moving on is more important than projecting a fantasy of how the relationship could have been.”
Because of him, I know my worth, I know what I deserve, I know how I want to be loved and I know what to look for. I don’t hate him. I don’t regret decisions I made that concerned him. I am thankful because he finally let me go, he finally set me free. I can say that I accept that I loved someone who never loved me back, and I’m OK.
There’s no time limit on how long it takes to accept the things that have hurt you, but know that things are the way they are for a reason. It’s hardest to let go and accept not because of what has happened, but because of what we imagined to be different. The image or story we tell ourselves refrains us from moving on. I promise you that once you accept what cannot be changed, you will overcome. You will find someone who loves you and you will become a stronger you. Trust me, I’m already there.
