You guys Valentine's Day is coming! St. Valentin didn't get brutally slaughtered for us to not overspend on overpriced candy and flowers that only have meaning because years of tactful marketing told us it was so. But as the title implies; you don't even have a significant other because you recently broke up with them so now it's time to roll up your sleeves and get your ex back so you won't be alone on a day with so much false importance meaningful value.

Of course the fact that you aren't together anymore means that one or both of you recognized that something wasn't working and that you're living healthier lives apart, but by all means it's more important that you have a person with you on the 14th even if the two of you hate each other now you gotta set your differences aside for this extremely important day. So please follow all of these tips to 'be in love' on this upcoming day.

The first thing to do is to revert back to whoever you were when you met this person. People grow constantly and so you both need to go back to who you were when you actually liked each other. Be sure to email your Ex significant other (ESO) and let them know that they will also need to go backwards. In order to get your ESO back it's important that you get into a mindset of making poor decisions. Somethings you can do is intentionally insult people, if you see something in a store that you really like try stealing it, get a drunk tattoo, break one of your toes and let the blood fill your shoe, go for a hike with no supplies, maybe try punching someone and just see what happens.

Try some really ingenuine tacky romantic gestures to win back this person you don't love. Throw pebbles at their window to get their attention. If the pebbles don't work throw a brick. Maybe write a really cryptic love note on the brick. Who cares that you're both vastly different people now, the important thing is that you spend that fateful day with someone.

So what if they hate your guts or vice versa, the idea of not spending money on a stuffed bear holding a heart is terrifying. And the fact that even though you're doing fine on your own doesn't mean anything because being alone on the 14th basically means you hate everything the world is out to get you. You can dump them on the 15th.

If none of this works, just kidnap them.