You might be wondering what the "it" is that I've done. No, I didn't climb Mount Everest. I didn't run a marathon. I didn't write a bestseller (yet). I didn't discover the cure for cancer. I haven't even graduated from college yet. But what I did do was decide once and for all to leave my bad habits, my toxic relationships, and my hindering self-doubt in the past, and I decided to live up to my full potential. So exciting, I know.

At one point in my life, I felt like I was on top of the world. I was in a sorority at UCF, making all these new connections and relationships that filled me up with the confidence I had been lacking. I came into college not knowing a single soul, and not knowing how to make new friends either. I went from growing up with all the same people in a small town where I knew everyone and everyone knew me, to the 2nd largest college campus in America. I didn't have one friend that came along with me to lean on, and I discovered that without a support system behind me, I was actually pretty shy and didn't know how to put myself out there. Greek life changed that all for me. All of the sudden, I was blossoming. My sorority encouraged me to keep myself in check, have good grades, and be involved in my community. I had a great job, all A's, a social life, and I was really happy. Then everything changed.

To make a really long story short, I ended up making the decision to drink and drive…and sadly, SO many people around me do it frequently and think they're invincible to the very grim consequences that come with it. They think nothing bad will happen to them, or that “everybody does it," or that only the stupid people get caught. Well, I was one of the “stupid" people who got caught. I flipped my car on the highway and lost it all. I lost the sorority, the car, the license, the job (because I couldn't commute anymore), the freedom, and most importantly…the dignity. I went from feeling like a happy, successful college girl with it all together to a laughing stock, a loser, a “criminal," etc. My “friends" thought it was so hilarious to send my mugshot around, finding entertainment in the worst night of my life. I became the poster child for Uber. I know that it was just a mistake, but I felt so low at that point.

In comes in the “secondary deviance," a term I learned in an Intro to Sociology class that actually ended up resonating with me. Introduced by Edwin Lemert in 1951, “primary deviance" is engaging in the initial act of deviance (in this case, drinking and driving) and he subsequently suggested that “secondary deviance" is the process of a deviant identity, integrating it into conceptions of self, potentially affecting the individual long term.

So for example, I got in trouble. I made a mistake. Instead of moving on and leaving it in the past, I dwelled and started identifying with my mistake. I felt so guilty and ashamed that I started viewing myself as some degenerate with a drinking problem, and my behavior ended up following suit. Instead of viewing my accident as a wake-up call, I used it as an excuse to get worse. I started going out and drinking more than I ever have. My social life started to revolve around the people that would go out to the bar with me every night. My new “friendships" were built upon the platform of getting wasted and worrying about nothing but having a good time. The standards I set for myself were beyond low. I didn't partake in anything that used to matter to me anymore.

Now let's talk about my relationships. Drunk people tend to be inconsiderate, selfish, and belligerent, and considering the fact that I was drinking quite frequently…that was the behavior I was exhibiting towards many of the people in my life, and my relationships suffered because of it. I was always showing my bad side. People saw me for this “mask" I was putting on, somebody who was avoiding her problems and responsibilities and being a careless idiot rather than being a sincere, conscious, and self-aware human being. I looked like somebody who didn't care about her life. And at times, I wasn't sure that I did.

I was dealing with so much stuff under the surface, feelings of inadequacy and insecurity, that I wanted to constantly shove all that “stuff" under my bed like dirty laundry. The more I messed up my relationships, whether it was potential romantic relationships or just friends, the worse I felt about myself. I was constantly wondering why I couldn't find the “right person" or why nothing worked out like it does in the movies, but what the hell? How did I expect anybody to fall for somebody who seemed like more trouble than she was worth? I knew who I was, but I wasn't showing who I was.

You might think I sound like a total nerd right now. I'm in college, right? I'm young! I'm fun! When I look around, most people my age are exhibiting the same behavior I was or worse. That's how I justified my actions for about 2 years. But was I happy? Was I living my best life? Was I being true to myself, or was I just attempting to blend in? I was tired of embarrassing myself. I was tired of pushing people away. I was tired of feeling sick and lazy all the time.

I was tired of doing the bare minimum to get by. Most importantly, I was tired of being somebody that I wasn't. And even more importantly than that, I was tired of caring what people thought. Most of the people I cared about at that point weren't even my real friends. They were just people that knew me as somebody who couldn't be tempted with a good time. I was a good drinking buddy, somebody who was always down to drown out my problems with alcohol with you. That's not who I wanted to be.

So, it started with my blog. In September of 2016, I created a blog where I documented all my thoughts and revelations about my new journey of self-discovery and positive changes. I surprisingly got a lot of hits and feedback, and the number of unexpected peers who reached out to me saying that they could relate to my issues was immense. I realized I wasn't only helping and healing myself by writing about my struggles, but I really was helping others not feel so alone. Then I started with my calendar. I put a calendar on my wall where I put hearts on days I didn't drink, X's on the days I did, stars on the days I worked out, and dots on the days I didn't eat meat (I'm also trying to be a vegetarian, don't make fun of me.)

I viewed it as a way to keep track of my days and hold myself accountable. I am also very slowly but surely learning how to establish healthy boundaries with the people who are always trying to get me to go out. I realized some people will never change and that when YOU'RE trying to make positive changes in your life, it will force the people around you to have to look at themselves, and a lot of people will not like that. They want you to be the same so that they can be the same. I learned that the most important thing is being happy with yourself and your choices, not just saying “yes" in order to make others like you. If I lost friends by choosing to focus on myself, so be it.

I started spending a lot of time with myself, which I discovered is the easiest way to learn self-love. Solitude has made me realize how much I actually do like myself and how I can enjoy my own company and be happy without validation from other people. I don't have to be in the middle of everything to feel relevant. And the best part about establishing a healthy sense of self-love is knowing who is worthy of being in your life or not. If somebody doesn't want to treat you right, so what? You know who you are. It's not an Earth-shattering incident when somebody doesn't see your true value. This is something I'm still working on, but nonetheless, I'm inching closer and closer to the newfound confidence I've always dreamed of having…not the confidence that stems from the attention other people give me, but the confidence that comes from within.

Another really important thing I've learned is that healing is not linear. Healing emotional trauma, finding self-confidence, and cutting off toxic relationships and habits takes TIME. Healing is not a straight-shot trip from point A to point B with no detours, setbacks, or obstacles. I've let myself down time and time again, wondering if it's all really worth it, if I should just stop being hard on myself and throw in the towel and stay stagnant in my comfort zone of fuck-ups and regret. But I'm sitting here now in this coffee shop, on the verge of happy tears knowing that it is WORTH IT. I'm so grateful for everything I've gone through at this point. I never would've realized my potential without all of the mistakes I've made and the wrong turns I've encountered. I never would've learned to love myself, like REALLY love myself, without the help of empty relationships and fake friends who are just worried about serving their own agenda. I've also realized who my real friends are and what kind of relationships are worth cherishing and preserving.

Picture this: You know what it's going to feel like when you accomplish your goals, how liberated and free you're going to be when you aren't shackled down by self-doubt and unhealthy coping mechanisms. Your life will be dedicated to health and happiness, instead of avoiding your problems and engaging yourself in a lifestyle that's not meant for you. You can go on this rocky roller coaster, back and forth, at a war with your Higher Self. But all paths eventually lead back to you. You will always end up showing up at your own door, knocking.