Hook-up culture is a very familiar topic to most Claremont College students, whether they are active participants or not. Its presence is amplified from Thursday night to Sunday morning, but this theme rears its head even in classes, like my introduction to psychology course. No matter the situation, it tends to pop up constantly in different ways, to the point where it can feel inescapable. Because it plays such a strong role within the 5C community, even people who don’t wish to succumb to it can feel unconsciously pressured to do so.

That being said, when I first came to Scripps College last semester, I actually did not feel pressured at all. Rather, I practically threw myself into the party scene with great enthusiasm. “Anything But Clothes” was not only my first college party, but my first real party in general. At first, it was great to just dance with my friends, but then next thing I knew, someone was grinding on me. It was so unexpected that it felt surreal, but also oddly empowering. Aside from kissing a couple boys in high school, this was the most sexual act I had ever done and, while it was strange and a bit nerve-racking, it did not feel bad.

Before you roll your eyes at the virgin grinding for the first time, let me put this into a bit of context. Since middle school, I have struggled with anxiety, especially relating to body image. I am not a thin girl and I have dermatillomania, which is a skin-picking disorder, so I have constantly been plagued with insecurities relating to my weight and skin. In high school, I was usually very single and went to dances with friends. I yearned for romance and for someone to even look at me with interest, but because it never happened, I felt ugly, unwanted, and undesirable.

All I could wonder was, “What’s wrong with me?”

Now imagine my surprise when I get to college and suddenly someone is showing sexual interest towards me. I was astonished and it felt so good to be wanted. I felt so sexy and body-positive; for the first time, I felt confident in something other than academics. While I didn’t go beyond grinding at this party, soon after I actively began to indulge in my sexuality and gain more experience.

The hook-up culture welcomed me so warmly. During the week I would sometimes go over to people’s rooms for a “study break” and during the weekends I would either bring someone back to my room or go to theirs after parties. My partners were not even always students at the 5Cs. I was able to put my biological knowledge into practice all while being very safe and consensual.

In the beginning, everything felt great. It was fun to boast to my friends about how many “friends with benefits” I had at any given time and joke about how I was going to be such a “thot” at the next party. However, I began to notice a very troubling trend in my behavior. When I would go out, if I didn’t at least make out with someone on the dance floor, I would feel very disappointed and my self-esteem would go down until the next party. I would try to make up for it by sacrificing study time to have sex; this negatively affected my grades and irritated my roommate when I “sexiled” her. I found that my confidence and feelings of self-worth steadily became dependent on how many sexual partners I had and how sexually appealing my peers would find me. I actually felt reluctant to go home for winter break, because then I would not be able to hook up with anyone and get that confidence boost. I knew in the back of my mind that this reliance on sexual activity purely for the self-esteem increase was toxic, but I still ignored it.

It wasn’t until winter break, when I was away from the 5Cs, that I was able to acknowledge this problematic behavior and reflect on its causes. I came to the conclusion that my dependence on it stemmed from a combination of my own insecurities and the prominence of the hook-up culture on campus. Being sexually desired made the insecurities temporarily go away, while my many sexual adventures entertained my friends and earned admiration. It gave me a false sense of power and temporary gratification. If my number of partners decreased, it felt so disappointing, even though I knew my friends probably didn’t really care. They love me for who I am, and yet I still felt this anxiety-driven need to impress them with sex tales. I realized how toxic this mindset and these behaviors were.

I’m not usually very into New Year’s resolutions, but I want to actually examine my current lifestyle and make changes that would benefit me. I vow to focus on self-love and self-respect by putting academics and fitness first, as well as remembering that parties are for having a good time with my friends, not just sexual gratification. My most important resolution, however, is to not hook up or have sex with anyone unless I am dating that person. I know that for proper self-care, I have to remove myself from the hook-up culture. Realistically, this won’t last forever; but I will stick to this resolution for as long as I need in order to learn to love myself without sexual objectification and one night stands.

I am in no way condemning hooking up in general. I think it’s absolutely fine as long as it is safe and consensual. However, it can become problematic when an entire culture is formed around it. Suddenly, emotional attachments are looked down upon and relationships seem scarce. Hooking up is no longer a purely personal choice; rather, it can be influenced by the extensive presence of this culture in the surrounding environment. Alcohol-driven parties and peer pressure, whether intentional or not, can lead to people pushing themselves to go beyond their comfort zone, which is not a very good decision in the case of sexual activity. In cases like mine, it can start as something positive and fun, but quickly turn into a dependency. Personally, I do not see this part of the Claremont Colleges positively, and I think that everyone needs to be careful not to get swept away by it.

Basically, please learn from my mistakes. Ask yourself why you want to do this, who are you doing it for, and if it's really a good idea. Don’t let yourself feel forced to participate, because it’s not worth it.