My freshman year of college is over.

It feels incredibly strange to type that out, and it hasn’t really sunk in yet. Although, that could be a result of my sleep-deprived brain. (Pro-tip: finals week and fishing trips do not go together).

I don’t really feel different in any of the ways that I thought I would when I would be done with my first year of college, and I definitely did not grow in the areas I thought. Instead, I grew in other areas of myself that I had previously left unlooked.

My senior year of high school, actually only a little over one year ago, I decided to attend George Fox University. This decision, unlike most of my peers at GFU, was not one that I made super easily and with a light and joyful heart. This reluctance was for many reasons: I had wanted to get as far away from my hometown as possible, I low-key wanted to go to an Ivy League or Ivy Plus and George Fox literally fit none of the other criteria I had laid out when I was choosing a school.

However, I am making the decision to return next fall, with a light heart and great anticipation. After this first year, I realized that I am at GFU for a reason, and just because it is a small, non-Ivy university does not mean I won’t be able to do the things I want to do.

I found myself a little bit lost at the beginning of the year. I had clung to a little bit of resentment about going to GFU, and most of my peers could not relate. Many of the people I grew to know had applied to maybe three schools, but GFU had been their top choice. As a result, I had a hard time fitting in or finding "my people" at first. (I proudly report that I have now.)

Something that I honestly did not expect of myself happened in college: I found myself falling back into patterns I had followed in high school. I studied more often than I went out, I quickly filled up all time with classes and extracurriculars and I applied the same pressure for success to myself that I did in high school. I had hoped that I would have eased off and “found myself,” as cheesy as it sounds. At the very least, I hoped I would have time to take fun classes and play intramurals.

Even though I fell into the same patterns I had before, I do not count my year as a waste. In fact, I do think I found myself, or at the very least learned about myself. I learned I like to stay busy, I like to be challenged, I like taking classes. I learned that I value becoming bilingual above going to the movies, and I learned that I have an extreme fear of failure (shocker, I know).

I did have some important milestones this year. I failed my first tests, but I learned that it isn’t the end of the world, and with a little bit of hard work and a little bit more dedication (as well as super awesome professors and TAs), you can bounce back. I wrote my first college papers, and I learned that it isn’t the worst thing I could do. I went on a field trip to the beach and learned that I really do have an undying love for intertidal organisms, especially sea anemones.

In the William Penn Honors Program, I learned how to read, analyze and criticize great books: works written by Aristotle, Plato and Lucretius. I have never had my mind stretched in as many ways as it was by taking the combination of a great books program, biology and other hard science classes and a language class. My philosophy spilled into biology and chemistry, and biology and chemistry spilled into philosophy. Spanish splashed into my science classes and honors class.

I also grew immensely in my faith this year. Despite going to youth group regularly and church semi-regularly my senior year, my faith was in a pretty bad place. My freshman year revitalized my faith and helped me to see Christianity in such a different light. But I would like to make an important distinction: George Fox University did not help my faith. Many would probably find it easy to assign a Christian university the role of salvaging their dying faith, but I cannot honestly say that. GFU exemplifies many of my frustrations with modern Christianity and I have major beef with the chapel system (fun fact interjection: the plural of beef is beeves, for real).

No, it wasn't George Fox that bolstered my faith – it was the William Penn Honors Program. It was so refreshing to be able to discuss the issues that biblical texts present in conjunction with our modern faith, the ancient world and the myriad of other philosophers that we read. We did not skim over the issues within the text as I believe most modern Christians do. We did not fear questioning things that Sunday School had taught us to doubtlessly believe. That was what assisted in my faith’s restoration and growth. The general culture of accepting without questioning and mindlessly following what other people say on George Fox’s campus and in most churches is what I now believe to have been the source of my discontentment in the Church, and I am proud to have escaped that cycle.

To wrap up this long and rambling foray into my mind, I am proud of myself for my accomplishments and growth over the school year. I do think that I have begun to find myself and learn more about the kind of person that I am, and I am excited to continue this journey. I am more thankful for God and what he does for me than I ever have been, and I have surrounded myself with wonderful people who both challenge and support me. My freshman year of college is over, but I cannot wait to see what the rest of my life holds.