Dear ex,

I don't understand how something so simple could evolve into something so difficult.

Shifting eyes and unsolicited tears just running down in a single flow.

Without any words of condolences, just trying to comfort the both of us.

Because the both of us just gave up on each other.

No, I did, no, you did, wait.

I don't know who gave up on who, but one thing is clear.

I was upset.

I was depressed.

I reached my limit.

And no, my emotions weren't invalid. They were, and don't ever say they weren't, solely because you want me back, that you want to be selfish, that you want me to satisfy your own world.

As if I was just your world and nothing else.

As if I wasn't a human being, capable of being me. My own individuality just criticized and demeaned to the core.

See, you weren't capable of being rude.

But you were capable of accusing me of cheating, just because of your own flawed insecurities.

You weren't capable of knowing what love really was.

Because love wouldn't be so fucking intense up to the point where I would question if you really loved me or that you just wanted to OWN me, because you didn't want to lose me, as if I was just a precious object to you, that you didn't want anyone else to take.

But NO. No more.

You were my first. My first real relationship. My first love.

Yes, I believed that you were the one.

The person that would understand and really love me and would never burden me even though you did so much to stress me the fuck out, and never really listened to me when I told you that I was so TIRED of walking around on eggshells all the damn time just to please you.

Just to make sure that you were well fed.

Just to make sure that you weren't emotional.

Just to make sure that you weren't gonna start crying in the middle of the night.

And that is exactly what love is.

Sacrificing your own needs and wants for somebody else. Because that's how much I fucking cared for you.

I ignored all the red flags you had, and I simply convinced myself that I was selfish for wanting you to change, for wanting you to be "the one" that I envisioned inside my own head.

I ignored my own tears all those nights, because I simply believed that I was just overreacting, that every relationship was like this, and I just had to "suck it up and deal with it."

I ignored everything that so many people told me was a sign of toxicity and that I had to get out of the relationship before it got worse.

Hey, I blamed them so much. I began to distance myself from my friends, my family just to reassure you that you were perfect.

That you weren't the flawed one, that I was.

And you would reassure me back, that I was the most loving person that you ever had, that I understood you to the core, that we were soulmates.

But.

If you really believed that, why didn't you return the sacrifices I made for you?

Why didn't you care enough to let me into your life, to introduce me to your family?

Why was it so hard to tell me about your childhood?

Why was it so difficult for you to engage in conversations and tell me about your day?

Just why... what was it that was holding you back from me?

What was worse was that I just couldn't deal with you distancing yourself anymore... because when I love someone, I fall in deep, fast.

I jump into those pools when you were just dipping your toes in.

And maybe it was my fault for expecting you to jump into the pool with me, even though my gut was telling me that you just didn't trust me.

That you think that all those nights I would fall asleep because I was tired that I was out at a frat party cheating on you with some random dude.

That when I was hanging out with my best girlfriends... you were thinking that I was talking to a random dude.

That when I was plain moody and just needed my own space, I was sleeping on the bed and cuddling with some random dude.

The funny part was, I NEVER accused you.

I always believed you.

I didn't give you any reason to not believe me, I tried my best to be loyal. I really did.

And yes, maybe I did have guy friends that I communicated with, but that shouldn't give you any reason to believe that I had those friends because I had secret crushes on them.

I had to leave, not because I didn't love you, but because I realized, I can't stay with you if you never really trusted me to begin with.

I don't care if you continue to blame it on your own insecurities and lash out at me because of your own flaws.

Life is too short to stay with someone that will never fully love you the way they should.

And I can't stay with someone, thinking that they will eventually change, which you would repeatedly say, just to keep me.

I love you,

But I also hated the fact that you didn't love me enough.

I gave you my whole heart and trust,

Yet, your trust wasn't fully there, and I had to be your punching bag.

Over and over.

Maybe one day we'll find each other again and realize we weren't meant to be.

Maybe we can be friends again and think about our relationship and talk about it.

Or... maybe we will never find each other again and just be happy in our own lives.

Because we just didn't work out and it wasn't our fault.

We did put the effort in, and continued to love each other the best we could.

But our relationship fell apart.

Even if you choose to still be in denial.