Dear Important Person I've Googled Three Times,

Hello. I’ve discovered this position on my college’s career-linking website when I woke up in a cold sweat at 3 a.m. on a Tuesday morning after realizing I didn’t have a job lined up for the summer. I am a student who tries her best to look as busy as possible on paper, but in reality, cries often and probably eats too much peanut butter. I like my major, but I’ve tacked on minors in hopes of looking more employable than others (please notice). I am a hardworking, involved student who never has fun and is focused on the future according to my Facebook and LinkedIn (don’t peep my Twitter LOL). I am interested in the company because your vision correlates to my career aspirations (or something fluffy like that), certainly not because of the paycheck mentioned in the description.

Despite the hundred other applicants who probably sound the same as me right now, I assure you I am somehow the best choice (at least, my mom thinks so). I'll have you know that I am also passionate about logistics, venture capitalism, and that italicized motto splayed on the homepage of your website. I am not that experienced, hence why I'm applying to this internship, but I’m really good at faking that I know what I’m doing in most facets of my quasi-adult life, so I think that speaks to my qualifications.

Speaking of qualifications, allow me to restate what’s on my resume in a more verbose format. I shall waste a few lines on why my leadership experience in my student organizations taught me to work well with a team and be flexible to new ideas, when in reality I mostly ate pizza, sent emails, and created a few posters. What I’m really underscoring here is the fact that I’m involved and you want people who have leadership experience, so bam—look at that! Let's face it, I'll be working on databases, spreadsheets, and troubleshooting through disgruntled customer emails and calls most days, so my involvement really isn’t that relevant despite the fact that it consumes most of my free time. With the little free time I did have, I interned at the only other place that’s listed under employment besides my high school job this past summer. Let me stress how I facilitated this and directed that when in reality I made copies and met a few cool people. Because of all this "experience," I am clearly ready to make more copies and meet more cool people (so you should totally hire me—please).

Let me continue to insist that I am hardworking, flexible, work well with others, and was told in fifth grade that I was enjoyable to have in class. Hence, I think I am totally the right fit for this position. With one internship under my belt and leadership experience that looks swell on paper, I hope this letter doesn’t ruin everything my carefully formatted resume highlights.

Attached is my resume, even though I've explained most of it through the above paragraph. I look forward to hearing back from you (I’ll be refreshing my email 34 times a day for the next week) and hopefully stuttering through an interview that concludes with a sweaty handshake.

Best,