"But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong..."
Our hometown is the place where we are most acquainted with. We are familiar with all the road names, the shapes of the houses, and all the bumps in the road. We know the best restaurants and shops, and which ones to avoid. There are back roads, downtown sidewalks, and everything in between. This is the place that should bring us joy, happiness, and peace. A place we look to for comfort in our bad times. The familiarity is supposed to be a positive part of our life.
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However, in my case, even the thought of my hometown and its familiarity brings me anxiety and dread.
My hometown is filled with too many memories of the past. Good ones, bad ones, embarrassing ones, joyous ones, painful ones, adventurous ones. These memories are the first and only thoughts about my hometown that I have. No thoughts of empty back roads, the shape of the houses, or of where to eat when I got back. Instead, out of all the memories I could have, the painful ones come up the most.
There is always positive things about a hometown. There's your parents that never left you, in person or in spirit. There's the house you grew up, and the relaxing yet crazy atmosphere it had when the siblings were home. There were the friends who always had your back during everything you went through. And of course, there's your cute dog you can't help but snuggle up with while watching Netflix.
So even with all of the positive aspects about a hometown, how can it cause a person to be so anxious at the thought of it?
My memories are filled with ex-boyfriends with bad breakups and awkward encounters. They are filled with old teams whom I didn't fit in with. They are filled with old classmates who might have forgotten my name after graduation. They are filled with friends who didn't care to stay in contact, whether the connection dropped after graduation or after the fourth grade. They are filled with regrets, mistakes, yells, screams, and tears. Why would I want to return to a town filled with such negativity?
They say you can leave your hometown, start fresh, change your life, and come back a new person. No matter how much that's true, those that know you may see past the new you and see only the old you. They don't see that you could've changed; they see only what they know, and not what they could know about you.
Rascal Flatt's hit song "I'm Movin' On" perfectly describes my relationship with my hometown. How escaping and finding someplace new is the only choice after living in a place that's too familiar for comfort. And that's exactly what I've done. I have peace in a new town many miles away. Knowing that I will be going back to a place I now call home makes it a little bit easier to visit my old home.
