I never knew how much I loved my home until I had to leave it behind on August 19. I can't forget the feelings of finality, fear, and abandonment as I pulled out of my driveway, destined for a third-floor dorm room 120 miles away. It felt rather surreal to know that I wouldn't be back in time for dinner that night, to know that I wasn't simply going on a vacation for a week or two. I was leaving my home behind, betraying the house I grew up in for a residence hall. I was abandoning my parents and friends for three hundred girls I didn't know. I was giving up my dog and my horse for a betta fish, the only pet I was allowed to have. As I drove down the endless highway, closer to college and farther from home with each mile, I wondered what I was getting myself into.
College turned out to be a whole new world for me, a world that I didn't quite know how to navigate. I wanted to leave as soon as my parents left for the last time, leaving me in the parking lot behind my hall. I restrained myself from running after their car and forced myself to trudge up the 39 stairs to my room. I made myself set up my half of the room while my roommate, a stranger from Arizona, prepared hers. I made myself talk, to try and get used to this new life that involved sharing my personal space with someone else; being an only child set me up for a real shock when it came to sharing a room. I made myself go out into the suite area and meet the other girls living in the rooms around me, staring wide-eyed at the new faces from all over the globe. I made myself attend the social functions of Orientation Weekend, where I forced my nervousness down like a bitter pill as I stared at all the new students, both freshmen and seniors, who seemed so much more comfortable than I did. I stared at the students who seemed to fit in so much better than I did, the girls who already had so many more friends than I did (which was a grand total of 0 at the time, as I knew no one beforehand). When classes started, I instantly felt like my "college preparatory" high school failed me--I felt as though I was in over my head, swamped with homework and surrounded by students who were smarter than me. I realized that being one of the best in a graduating class of 38 did not mean I was the best in college courses. I wondered how I would ever make it. And I missed home. I missed it so much. I missed my parents, my friends, my pets, and the comfortable feeling of fitting in that had come with home.
Now that I am a month into college, things have changed somewhat. My legs are now made of iron after sprinting up and down those 39 stairs each day. I have begun to call my room "home". It certainly feels more comfortable now. I now call my roommate a friend and am no longer so terrified of sharing my space, and my life, with her. I have learned how to compromise and have learned to stay up late. I have laughed with my suitemates, shared meals with them, and made a fool of myself with them. I have even been carried by them (that's a long story). I have found a comfortable existence here too, just like the girls I envied on Orientation Weekend. I have found friends all over campus, in classes, in the hall, and at meals. I have found ways to manage the homework load, and no longer feel as though I am about to fail. I have realized that I don't have to be the best in class to succeed. Of course, I still miss home and everything that comes with it, but even that has turned out well.
I am luckier than many of my fellow students because home is close enough for me to visit over the weekend. In fact, I went home this weekend and I realized that by leaving home, home has become an even better place to return to. Absence truly does make the heart grow fonder. As I drove home, I realized that I was truly excited to see my parents and "hang out" with them; in fact, I realized that I actually looked forward to seeing my parents more than my friends or my horse! Leaving for college not only challenged me to grow as a person, it also grew my relationship with my parents. I loved my parents before I left, of course, but upon coming home I was surprised to find that I loved them even more. A month of living on my own has made me more independent, allowing my relationship with my parents to blossom into a friendship. College seems to have magically wiped away our slates and replaced past gripes with newfound appreciation and love. I realize now more than ever how lucky I am to have parents who love me unconditionally and accept me for who I am. I realize now more than I ever how much they do for me and how grateful I am for their support. I realize now more than ever how valuable home and family are. As I left home this weekend, I realized that my parents' love, acceptance, and friendship travels with me always, wherever I go.
I have college to thank for these newfound realizations and my newfound love for my family. Thanks to college, I realize that even though I'm 100 miles away from home, the love of my parents, friends, and family, will always surround me, making wherever I am, feel a little more like home. Thanks to college, I realize now more than ever that my home, and more importantly the people in it, is where my heart is and always will be.