When you go off to college, everyone tells you how weird it will feel to come back home, but you never really believed them. How could a place so extraordinary and familiar feel so strange? You begin to question what everyone has told you along the way. A part of you doesn't want to believe any of it, but at the back of your mind, there’s doubt. No one can ever prepare you for what it’s like to come home until you experience it yourself. After a couple weeks pass by, school gets easier, but you begin to be homesick. You wish to see your parents and siblings again, sleep in your own bed with no roommate, watch your TV, snuggle up with your dog or take a shower/bath without any flip flops.
Once you arrive home, nothing feels the same. The familiar town you grew up in the last nineteen years of your life just isn’t the same. The bright lights and all the signs are the same, but the feeling is different this time. That rush of happiness you thought you would feel isn't there. You aren’t ready for what’s to come.
Your stomach is in knots, and everything becomes a blur. You start to go through the motions of everything like usual. You begin to wonder if your parents see how you’ve changed since you’ve been gone. Your parents run out of the house to greet you with a hug and a millions questions of what you’ve been doing, and why you haven’t been home. You put a bright big smile on your face and answer all the questions they’ve been dying to know the answers to.
Your mom asks you the names of all the friends you’ve made along the way and the boys you’ve met. You tell her bits and pieces and leave a little truth out as you go. You don't want her to know how stressed out you are, all the naps you take throughout the week, how you barely make it throughout the day without a mental breakdown and how nothing feels the same anymore. At the back of your mind, you wonder if they want to know the real you that’s changed or what’s changed around you. After the first few times, you begin to feel suffocated and want time away from them. You want to lock yourself away in your room and just lay in your own bed. You don't want to have to explain yourself for all the time you’ve missed. The reasons why you’ve been away. You start questioning yourself wondering if you’re a bad son and/or daughter.
You leave your house to run a few errands for your mom and go to your favorite local restaurant. If you’re like me, living in a small town, then you run into several of your old friends from high school or their families. You hope and pray they don't see you, so you don't have to put a fake smile on your face and tell them how much you "love" school and everything is fine. Awkward hugs and fake smiles become the new normal. Everyone seemed the same, but they were so different behind their smile.
All the familiar faces of your old high school friends have their own new and different lives in a new place. They tell you about their lives and you try to keep up, remembering where they’re going to school and what they’re doing. They say they want to catch up and grab lunch sometime, knowing you’re both too busy. The people you were once so close to begin to drift further and further away. You begin to hate the "fake" persona you have to put up when you see someone you know. You hate being reminded of the past, whether good or bad, because you’re not the same person you were in high school. College is beginning to shape you and change you into a new person.
When you're at home, everything goes back to the same, whether it’s been a few weeks or months. Your mom is stricter than ever because she wants you to be home and spend time with her. You can’t just go out when you feel like it and do what you want. You have to ask for permission to leave your home that doesn't quite feel like home. Before you know it, it’s time to pack your bags up again and leave. You hate that time has slipped so fast through your fingers and there’s not more time to go out to your favorite places.
As you’re walking out the door, all the memories surrounded by your loved ones flood your mind and you hold back sobs. You wonder if home will ever feel the same again. You hug your mom goodbye one last time, holding back tears, and thanking them for everything they’ve done for you. As you pull out of the driveway, you look back through the rearview mirror seeing your house shrinking, you think of how thankful and blessed you are to be raised where you were. The whole drive back you’re questioning everything you experienced while being home and whether or not if you’ll fit back in during the holidays.
When you get back to school, your mom asks you when you’re going to be back again and you don't know what to say. You don't want to hurt her, so you say maybe within the next few weeks. When you lay down that night, you begin to unfollow some of your friends from high school because you’ve lost touch. You are thinking back on all the wonderful memories and how you wish you could go back to simpler days. Times just aren't the same anymore and you wonder if there will ever become normal again in your life.
