I don’t really like to play games that much.

Maybe it’s just because I’m not very good at them.

I’m not agile enough to be good at Twister anymore, I can’t lie during a game of poker to save my life (or my money), and somehow I always manage to draw the damn Peppermint Stick Forest card when I’m already nice and cozy at Queen Frostine’s Castle in Candy Land.

Back to the [expletive] beginning I go.

But one of my favorite games in the entire world to play is the “If you had to use one word to describe ___, what would it be?” game.

My sleep schedule? Excessive.

My hobbies? Socks.

My love life? Almost.

Okay, so yeah, if you’re anything like me, Valentine’s Day probably doesn’t carry that much significance to you (besides the fact that it’s an excuse to eat a gluttonous amount of chocolate and drink an entire bottle of wine all by your lonesome, self-pitying, brutally-single self).

Which is why I’m going to be celebrating these 10 holidays on February 14 this year instead. And if you’re lonesome, self-pitying, and brutally single just like me, I invite you to celebrate them with me (wine included).

1. National Ferris Wheel Day

Okay, sure, maybe if I didn’t live in a place where I was apartment-bound for the entire month of February because there is 5 feet of snow on the ground and the windchill is -25 degrees. But really, I would love to ride the ferris wheel today. Thanks for asking.

2. Pet Theft Awareness Day

Someone stole the pet hamster from our 2nd grade classroom once, and honestly, if that’s not a reason that more people should be celebrating this holiday, then I don’t know what is. How else am I supposed to be confident that someone won’t break into my apartment and steal my $4 fish?

3. International Book Giving Day

All I’m saying is that I would be perfectly content with a handful of good books being my valentine.

4. National Creme-Filled Chocolates Day

Pretty sure I celebrate this every day of the year, but February 14 is fine. I mean, if you have to put a date on it.

5. Read To Your Child Day

Well, since I don’t have a child, I would say I’ll just read to my fish instead, but no one else seems as interested in celebrating Pet Theft Awareness Day as I am so I’m not quite sure that’s going to happen, now am I?

6. Safer Internet Day

Probably what Club Penguin will be celebrating on February 14 this year instead of Valentine's Day. RIP.

7. National Have A Heart Day

Well, I don’t, so…

8. Library Lovers Day

For those of you who are simultaneously celebrating International Book Giving Day.

9. National Call In Single Day

Would that actually work?

10. International Quirkyalone Day

At this point, I can’t even argue to be honest.

If all else fails and none of these alternative holidays seem appealing to you, first of all, you’re a sick and twisted individual (I trust no one who can’t get behind #BanPetTheft2k17), and second of all, you can just celebrate my birthday instead.

Just kidding.

My birthday is actually on February 15.

But I mean, I’m not saying I would be mad if you did celebrate.

Happy Tuesday! Don’t forget to call in single today!