Ahhh, the holidays. To many, this a favorite time of year! It means presents, and most importantly, lots and lots of food.
Unfortunately, it also means getting grilled by your family about everything from graduation plans to your love life. Not to worry! Here's a foolproof plan for wiggling your way out of those sticky situations this holiday season.
The Question: So, what are your plans after graduation?
This is a question that you'll get multiple times, mainly because it makes distant family members feel like they're doing a good job pretending to be interested in your life. The problem with this question is that no one really has a confident answer.
What you want to say: "Honestly, I'm probably going to watch a lot of Netflix and drink a lot of beer to drown my sorrows. And live out of my parent's basement/bank account for another two to four years."
What you should say: "Oh, I can't wait for graduation! I've already started looking for jobs (white lies never hurt anyone) and it's looking really promising!"
The Question: How's your love life?
Ah, the dreaded relationship question. My answer to this is almost always followed up by my Nonna telling me that her waiter at Applebee's last week was really cute, and he looks about my age!
What you want to say: "I have three different people that I'm hooking up with on the reg, but they all suck and I really just do it for fun. I hate love and I'll probably grow up to own 2 dogs and subscriptions to Netflix, Hulu, and HBOGo."
What you should say: "I'm so busy focusing on school work and getting a job that I just don't have time to worry about a relationship!"
The Question: Have you put on some weight?
Just what you need during the food-filled holidays: a heaping dose of self-consciousness handed to you on a silver platter. Thanks, fam.
What you want to say: "Freshman 15? More like College 30. I go out at least four nights a week, eat McDonald's for dinner, and drink a shit-ton of beer."
What you should say: "It's probably just the way this shirt fits me. Don't worry! I go to the gym every morning before the library!"
The Question: How's *insert ex-best-friend's name* doing lately?
Usually, your family will only remember the person you haven't been friends with since sophomore year of high school. Extra points if that person is now pregnant, an alcoholic, or in some way a degenerate.
What you want to say: "Actually, she's a b*tch and slept with my ex-boyfriend, so we don't really talk anymore."
What you should say: "She's doing well! We don't talk too much anymore, but that's just because we're both so busy!"
The Question: What are your grades like?
God bless you if you have good enough grades to answer this question honestly. The rest of us have to use creative wording.
What you want to say: "Cs get degrees, Grandma."
What you should say: "My classes are really tough this semester, but I'm doing pretty well!"
The Question: Would you like a glass of wine with dinner?
Duh.
What you want to say: "Yes please. I'll take 7."
What you should say: "Yes please. I'll take 7."
