Holidays can be an incredible time for extended families to embrace lost time, catch up, and feel like family. Cheeks are pinched and endless hugs are exchanged.

To ensure everyone you love the most feels as comfortable as possible this season, here are two important things to keep in mind the next time you ask your youngest family members for a hug or kiss goodbye after dinner with the fam.

1. It may put them in a position where they don't feel their bodies are not their own.

When kids are exceptionally young (6 and under especially), they may not completely understand the concept of extended family. They may feel physically close to their immediate household family, but holidays put them in a situation where people their parents are very close to are now people they’re expected to feel the same closeness towards. If your child only sees your siblings and their children once or twice a year, they may not have the trust built up to feel comfortable kissing or hugging goodbye the same people you do. To expect them to out of “courtesy” teaches them that it doesn’t matter what they’re comfortable with; it says that to not give physical affection is to be disrespectful.

Some families are touchier than others; this can be a cultural thing, or just habit. But no matter where you come from, acts of affection should exist entirely out of independent choice. We can model familial love with those we’re close to and hope that maybe our own will feel as safe as we do, but we must not take it personally if your toddler doesn’t want give your uncle or anyone else for that matter a kiss goodbye. No matter the intentions, it strips children of their own bodily autonomy; if we want to teach this as they grow up in order help evade situations of sexual abuse or rape, we must be as clear as possible (as early as possible) that our bodies are our own and we should not be expected to do anything with them simply because we were told or expected to.

2. Do Unto Others

When leaving family gatherings, would you as an adult want to be made to give everyone a kiss goodbye? Especially for women (since young girls seem to be expected to do this more often than boys), would you feel comfortable if you weren’t allowed to leave until you gave all the men at the table (including those who are not blood related) a hug or kiss? If you wouldn’t, don’t expect your four-year-old to.

I, like many others, have experienced a stung ego when my adorably sweet little cousins sternly tell me they do not want to hug me goodbye, but I understand it’s not because they hate me. After two full days of spending lots of playful time with one of my cousins, I eventually got the affection I invited earlier. It took work to build the trust necessary for her to come to me; even if she hadn’t, all there is for me to do is keep working towards ensuring her safety and wellbeing. Some people aren’t touchy. Some people are. For others still, it’s circumstantial. All I want her to know is that I am family and I am safe. To force her to hug me when she doesn’t want to puts her in an unsafe place. So please, be considerate to all this holiday season, and love safely.