After observing the actions which humans participate in on New Year’s Eve, it became clear that our mating ritual is very unusual. First, we have to get ready by adorning ourselves in attractive plumage. Females wear tight and short clothes which cover only the essential areas to communicate to her male counterpart that she is ready to mate. The female process of getting ready and looking good is long and tedious. It includes such tasks as putting on war paint. The females adorn their faces with extreme amounts of make-up. It could also be construed as war paint as it informed the other females that if any of them tried to mate with the same male they would fight. The female often becomes unrecognizable with this war paint on, but the male does not mind not seeing the real female as she would reveal herself in due time (often times this happened years into a relationship). The female also decides what garment should adorn her body. This takes hours, several tries, conferences with friends, hours standing in front of the mirror, constantly repeating the mantra “I have nothing to wear,” and sometimes crying in the fetal position until the perfect outfit is selected. The male act of getting ready is simple: a shower (sometimes) and throwing on the closest item of clothing which smells clean.
Then, we all wait in a line outside the bar in hopes of entering. Occasionally this line extends for miles. The line does not decrease or change in length depending on the weather. Several human bodies have been found frozen outside the doors of a bar. While waiting in such a long line, we partake in various activities in anticipation of making time move faster. Some females take what are called “selfies.” A “selfie” is a picture taken by and focused on the same human or humans. This is usually reserved for the female who had few, if any, friends as the female was forced into taking the picture herself instead of having someone do it for her. These “selfies” later appear on Facebook and present an extremely unflattering picture of the taker. Sometimes the taker puckers her lips in such a fashion that she looks similar to a duck or fish. Other times the image portrays a female looking in the direction other than that of the camera in order to portray the idea that she is in deep contemplation. However, she cannot be in deep contemplation as her mind is capable of such profound tasks as exhibited by the very taking of the “selfie.”
Finally, those who had successfully achieved the act of gaining a mate return home together and immediately announce their love for each other. Humans have several different ways of doing this. One was called “Netflix and Chill.” This is the act of performing coitis under the guise of watching movies. It seems to be the most potent way of producing a baby human. The two humans then proceeded to call each other “Bae.” This is the human term used to inform all other humans that these two humans now belong to each other. There is, however, an unsettlingly high correlation between those who use the term “Bae” and those who are not faithful in the relationship. Upon looking up the precise definition of the term itself, we have found a shocking discovery that the word ‘Bae” comes from the human Danish language and means “poop.” It was only logical to assume that once the humans had begun to use this term, their brains had been reduced to excrement.
Those who failed to attain a mate at the B.A.R. return home and eat disgusting food while they discuss the flaws of the opposite gender. These foods would include cereals, pizzas, sandwiches, a whole cow, if they could find one, and something called a Hot Pocket. This eating ritual is referred to as the “drunk munchies.” However, these foods do not count towards a caloric intake normally seen matching a healthy, human diet. Human females should dismiss these calories from their memory bank.
