If you’re anything like me, you’re stubborn, cold-hearted, and overflowing with emotion and sensitivity all at once. If you’re anything like me, your life isn’t perfect, and you’ve been let down more times than your mind and heart allow you to remember. If you’re anything like me, you’ve been carrying around a metaphorical suitcase of hate for the past ten years of your life. If you’re anything like me, you’re finally realizing it’s time to let that hate go and never allow it to invade your life again.
I’d be a fool to say I’m the only one in the world whose life isn’t perfect. Along with that, I’d be a fool to say my life is terrible because I know for a fact that there are thousands of people that have it horrifically worse than I do. On the other hand, that doesn’t mean that I haven’t gone through things that upset, things that steal my confidence, or things that steal my happiness and leave me facing mornings where I don’t even want to get out of bed. And there are other mornings where I don’t want to get out of bed but only do because the bottle of wine is too far to reach from under my covers.
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I’m someone who doesn’t allow my emotions to show. Because of this I’ve been labeled as “heartless.” I take it without offense, and accept it more often than not because a part of me agrees with that label. However, only I know just how much emotion is coursing through my body at all times. Only I know just how sensitive I really am, but through the years of being robbed of happiness and trust, I refuse to let that emotion show because I associate it with weakness. Instead, I put on that strong demeanor that I’ve become so accustomed to, tell everyone I’m fine, and drown my sadness in bottles of wine and pent up sadness, allowing that sadness to eventually morph into hate.
What I realized in the past few weeks, is that this hate that I’ve carried around for as long as I can remember was doing more harm than good. It was destroying me even though it was aimed towards someone else. It was robbing me of my happiness, and because it was hidden, it was damaging my life and my mental state rather than the life of the person who was the reason for it. What I realized was that there was no way I would ever be fully happy and accepting of facing life with contentment if part of my body was in a perpetual state of bitterness and hatred.
So this is my wine-induced rant (the only way I’d be able to open up in the first place) about why carrying hate around is pointless, and the reason that it’s pointless is because it’s unfair. Even if the hatred isn’t aimed towards yourself, it interferes with your ability of loving yourself to the full capacity. It prevents you from acknowledging all the wonderful things in life. I'm talking about all the beautiful things that don’t need explanation to be admired, like why the sky is so blue, or why your favorite song comes on the radio in the moment you need it the most, or why the sound of the ocean can coax you out of any negative mood. The hatred takes up space in your body that should be filled with love, happiness, and gratitude. It tricks your mind into thinking that your life is a train wreck, and it has you second guessing on whether or not you’re physically and mentally able to make it through another day.
If you’re carrying around hate, this is my plea to you that you let it go. Allow yourself to be happy. Forgive, and (try to) forget, not for them, but for yourself. This is my plea to you that you finally allow yourself to to live life the way it’s supposed to be lived.
