I am not a practicing Christian, but the Serenity Prayer has served a tremendous purpose in my life for the past year and a half. I've spoken the words – alone and in groups. I've written the words and even thought of the words. I whisper, "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." When I am seeking patience, power, and perseverance, these are the words that I rely upon. I have even found that it is most often in the moments when my weakness has prevailed, that I later realize I neglected this prayer. Now, I must clarify that I am not saying that I believe these words act like magic. Saying these words, just like snapping my fingers, is not a surefire win for my higher power to clear the rain from the skies and promise me everything will be alright. What I am saying, is that reciting the Serenity Prayer is my time to take a moment to breathe, my time to remember my purpose, and my time to realize what will best serve me.
From the moment the Serenity Prayer made its place in my life – a time, I will reveal, that I did not meet with entirely open arms but, instead, with anger, confusion, and frustration – I have become more cognizant of the things that lead me to my worst health, both mentally and physically. Grudges, I have found, are one of the most detrimental. The feelings of jealousy and resentment that are associated with grudges tear into my mind, eliminating any will to concentrate on the essential aspects of my life. These emotions overwhelm my physical body, radiating pain throughout it, and disable all confidence that I already struggle to find. Even knowing the damages that grudges cause, I still struggle, daily, sometimes even hourly, in combatting their unrelenting presence. Nevertheless, I put in the effort, every minute, to acknowledge the cause of the grudge, the power that the grudge has over me, and how I can best relieve myself from its strangling grip.
1. The grudge against the stranger.Â
I drive. A lot. And, I will admit that these are the times when my grudges form the quickest, and they are sometimes the strongest that I face in my day.
Whether it be a driver screeching to a stop just when the light changes from green to obnoxious yellow or it be a group of individuals who seem to get a kick out of cutting you off with their loud engine, I become quick to judge. The cartoon smoke doesn't even wait for a second to begin billowing from my ears. In these moments, it is scarce that I remember that there are laws that other drivers might be more cautious about than I. I often neglect the notion that someone could be in a rush due to a crisis or an emergency. I never remember that I too commit these same road-fowls. Even so, the quickly developing grudge morphs me into the rude, angry, and weighted-foot driver that speeds, swerves, honks, and even hands out a few unforgiving faces. I'm sorry, Mom, I promise I'm still a safe driver. When I reach my destination, I walk in with slumped shoulders, a frown that hides any joy once present on my face, and sighs that make others question: Jeez, what's got her down? Not only do these easily developed grudges ruin my day, but they affect those around me as well.
Now, driving isn't the only time one might find these types of grudges. How about stepping off the elevator to your apartment floor and seeing that your neighbors have decided to rearrange all of their furniture into the hallways? Immediate anger. And when that person doesn't even have the decency to hold the door for you? Oh, forget it. All in all, the overwhelming frustration that stems from these unnecessary grudges is just that, unnecessary.
2. The grudge against the friend, in any capacity.Â
While the anger we develop against strangers is in itself nothing to scoff at, the grudges we develop against friends can be outright excruciating, for all parties involved. And, let me tell you, there are always more parties involved than you initially think.
In the past year, I have been fortunate enough to learn to surround myself with real friends: people that sincerely care about my well-being and help me, each day, to become a happier, healthier, and more stable individual. While it has been difficult, especially with the FOMO (fear of missing out) associated with saying goodbye to "friends," it has proven extremely beneficial. My parents, my role-models, my doctors, and my real friends have all helped me to reach this point of social satisfaction. And, just like grudges, it is something that I must put work towards each and every day.
Even though I am now in this better mental state, a day rarely goes by that I am not reminded of the past conflicts I struggled with because of the grudges I held against my "friends." Whether it be as simple as the guy friend who doesn't put down the toilet seat on your bad day or as troublesome as the lying friend who slept with your boyfriend on multiple occasions, grudges against friends can spiral into something far worse than those Wild West tumbleweeds. Other parties become involved Rumors spread. Friends are lost. Bad reputations are gained, and good ones are typically lost. If I had taken that moment to breathe or had worked more vigorously on my patience, my guy friend and I would still be sending each other stupid Snapchats. If I had been more attentive to the intentions of the people surrounding me, I would have realized that they were there for nothing more than the dinners, the drinks, and the anytime-you-want rides. Once again, I develop grudges by way of neglecting the things that were vital to me, myself, and I. While I can't place blame on myself and beat myself black-and-blue, I cannot blame the others either. If I made myself a doormat, why shouldn't they have tread?
3. And, the grudge against myself.Â
I speak for myself, but I think we can all admit that while grudges against friends can be excruciating, grudges against ourselves can be, well, debilitating. The grudges I hold against myself are the ones I struggle with most often. While they might not be the ones that are most visible, there are, nevertheless, the most painful. These grudges leave me questioning my worth, my standing with others, especially my family, my purpose, and my ability to do anything at all, even as much, or rather as little, as cleaning a dish.
I struggle with the day-to-day, in the moment kind of grudges, the "let's take a blast through the past" kind of grudges, and, yup, the "here's what's going to go wrong in the future" kind of grudges. Those who are closest to me, mostly just my mother, know how these grudges can manifest. Not to be repetitive, but they are painful and debilitating, or, at least, that's the best way I know how to describe them. Whether I throw a fit, break my things, end up in hysterics, or cause myself actual physical pain, these grudges don't just last for a few minutes but, instead, for a few months. Why did I do that? What is wrong with me? How will I ever fix it? I know I'm going to do it again in the future.
How do I overcome these? Well, I don't know, just yet. As a work in progress, I must try to be less hard on myself. As my mother says, "I need to give others a chance" – other people share similar struggles and can lend insight into how they cope with their personal, self-afflicted grudges.
Ultimately, all grudges are daily struggles that seem to appear, out-of-nowhere, like roadblocks. Heck, in our personal lives there aren't even those helpful blinking arrows to guide us into the next lane! Knowing and remembering, especially, right from wrong may seem like the hardest task in our day-to-day lives. Even so, I promise, to myself, to work each day at remembering why developing a grudge is far less important than it may seem in the present moment. With this, all that I ask is that I am granted the serenity, courage, and wisdom, to follow through on this promise.
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- Why We Hold Grudges, and How to Let Them Go | Psychology Today ›
