So I've been pretty upfront with how the past year or so has been... let's call it difficult. That there's been a lot of sleepless nights and anxiety and in general has been...
That's right, Watson!
Things are getting better but there's still more down days than up ones. However, I am very excited for the first time in a while!
Firstly, remember the lovely lady I wrote a platonic love letter for? Best friend of 16 years and an absolute gem? She's home for break! Cue the happy tears! We've got plans to get together while she's home! Ahhh! Katie and I have a Disney movie we've meant to watch together for two years now and keep forgetting so we really ought to meet before we forget for another year! (We never remember until the third of November...) She's a wonderful person and I am so happy she's here (if only for a little while)!
Who wouldn't want to hang with this dork?!
Secondly, (before I see my bestie) another wonderful, amazing human being is coming for Thanksgiving!!! The beloved, the beautiful, the best *DRUMROLL* my former roommate from sophomore/junior year (that three-year program struggle)! I absolutely adore this precious gift to the universe and did not get to see her when I visited my former college. We lost touch for a couple months due to a whole slew of stuff we had going on in life but we love each other dearly and cannot wait to see each other!!! I am beyond words with how excited I am to see one of my favorite humans (except not really because I keep telling everyone I know how excited I am and I am not even sorry for annoying them)! I have to keep holding back excited squeals!
Thirdly, I may have a job soon! I have been applying for months and I finally had an interview that seemed to go really well! So keep your fingers crossed and pray if that's what you're into (I do draw the line at major blood sacrifices... small blood sacrifices are okay).
I know nothing has come to fruition yet but it has been so long since I was excited about future events, with no anxiety attached. I had nearly forgotten what giddy happiness felt like until my dear former roommate responded, "Sh** son, possibly!" to my Thanksgiving invitation. (And I'd forgotten what happy tears felt like until she said the tickets to get to my hometown were booked!)
I know I might be annoying people with how excited I am but I can't seem to bring myself to care. I want to savor this time of joy! I want to embrace it and cherish it!
It begs a few questions, honestly. Why can't we be happy when we're happy? Why can't we be sad when we're sad? We are expected to downplay what we feel when we go to explain it in words. The word "fine" now can mean any range of emotion beyond the neutrality which it was originally meant to imply. Now it could mean boiling hatred or overwhelming sadness or exuberance! Who knows?!
Honestly, so long as your words are not used to inflict damage purposefully against an innocent person or group, why can't you say what emotions course through your veins? "My family doesn't accept me for my sexuality and it makes me miserable." I'm so sorry that's happening, I'm here for you! "There's a new episode of my favorite TV show tonight! I can't wait!" That's great! "I am so angry about the election." Same!
Why. Isn't. This. Allowed.
I should be able to say that I am thrilled that I will get to see two of my favorite people in the world without downplaying as merely "I'm so happy to see them!" when really I feel "This is the greatest week of my life! It has been blessed by the heavens to be grand and beautiful and bright!" (That may even be downplaying the level of excitement in my bones right now because though I may have more command over the English language than some, words alone cannot encompass how much I love these precious people.)
I know that I'm going to be really upset when I am apart from them again (which is when this article is published) and if I don't get the job but I wanted to commemorate what I feel right now. I want to be able to look back to the days before I saw them and remember how excited I was. I've got enough events to remember feeling upset and scared that have been written about elsewhere but this joy deserves the memory space in my hard drive far more (the nerd is strong with this one).
If you're like me, I hope you too have found or will find something happy to remember in the future the way this will be for me. If that time for you is right now, embrace it. You are allowed, encouraged even, to be happy by me personally. I also hope you are blessed with friends like the two I am seeing soon because they are rare gifts. I've no idea how I managed to deserve more than one in my lifetime.
