All my life I have said I would never hold a grudge. And if there is anything I have learned about myself over the past year, it's that I can hold a mean grudge. It's just that I've always thought to just forgive and forget. Move on already, it's not that bad. It shouldn't be hard to accept an apology and move on. Even if they don't mean it, just move. on. I have also had to bear the painful experience of learning that that is the most false thing I have ever heard. "For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you." (Matthew 6:14-15) I grew up hearing this, preaching it, and thought I was living it too. This WHOLE time I thought that I was living that way and everything was okay. And then stuff happened, I was hurt, and I left. Let me start by saying, for those unaware, that it is okay to leave when things are bad. Sometimes it's for the best actually. When a situation has gone so far to where you can no longer do anything more to fix it, that's when it's okay to leave. Believe me, I was there. As far as I was concerned, basically everything had always gone pretty decent for me. But this time was a little different. I had to walk away from someone I cared for all because there was nothing more I could do. As another PSA to those who are unaware (because I just love spreading knowledge) any relationship of any sort takes two people to work; one person can't pull all the weight. I was there. After a while, the thought of carrying a relationship becomes exhausting and no longer worth the time. Sad, but reality. Friendships were made to be real and honest with someone. They're made so, instead of everyone having to go to mom and dad for advice, we have that special person to listen, understand, and relate to us on a more personal level. When a friend brings something to you, regardless of what it is, that's bothering them and could potentially be hindering the relationship between you both, you should probably listen instead of being defensive. The most important and necessary thing in a relationship is honesty and then communicating that honesty with the other person. What a blessing it is to have a friend like that. Even more so when it's reciprocated. I keep rambling on and on about things that everyone may already know. So, I guess the point I'm trying to make is simple:

Dear friends,

I write this with love and a humble heart. God has called me out on countless occasions for my angry and bitter heart, and I am now here to share with you. I'll start by saying, in no way am I justifying anything that was done to me. I was hurt and have never seen any signs of remorse, even a year later. But I will say it is not worth it. It was not worth it to sit and be sad constantly over someone who laughed at me for it. It was not worth my time to try and apologize and make small acts of love and kindness, spending money and time, just to be laughed at and talked about. It was not worth my tears or my thoughts, but I am so grateful for it all. Through being hurt by someone, I was shown that it's okay to be hurt and to walk away. It was okay for me to confront all those situations every time. It was okay that I was brutally honest with someone I cared for so deeply just so I could do what I could to maintain a healthy friendship. Most importantly, I was shown that it was not okay to hold a grudge. Holding a grudge is the easy part. It's easy to be angry at someone and pick out every reason why I did nothing wrong and that person is unfair. It's so easy to point fingers at others and so difficult to point at ourselves. Because of my anger, I said things that put me on the same level as the one who hurt me. What good does that even do? That's right, nothing. It does absolutely nothing. The other person is fine. They never cared in the first place so why am I sitting here throwing a pity party for no reason? Not only am I wasting time, but think how much of a disappointment it is for JESUS to look at me and see me cry over spilled freaking milk! After all He has done for me; I reject Him DAILY and laugh about it, and I'm crying at night because I had a poor friend one time. I could be spending my time bringing Him honor and glory and leading others to Christ but instead, I am dwelling on past circumstances for no apparent reason. To sum it up, to those I have hurt, especially in this certain situation, I am so sorry. I am better than this. It was out of my own personal anger and bitterness that I allowed myself to say things I have always been so against. It has taken me this long to realize I am so much more than that. Life is so much more than dwelling on poor friends and upsetting situations. I pray for those who hurt me often. I try to at least. I still get upset at times when thinking about it, but I have to remind myself that there are more important things to focus on. If you have an honest and loving friend, hold onto them because friendships like that only come every so often. Thank God I have my best friend, Inna, by my side. I'm not sure who I'd be without her. It took some disappointment in another to realize how special Inna's friendship is, but I am so grateful I see it now. God does everything for a reason, and while friends come and go, He is the one who sticks closer than a brother.

Proverbs 18:24: There are "friends" who destroy each other; but a real friend sticks closer than a brother. (NLT)