Sidenote: While the characters and events of this story are fictional, the facts and background of the story are not, and should not be taken lightly.
All I heard over the phone was Linda apologizing and for me to get tested. It didn't even hurt me to know that she had had sex with two other guys during our relationship, nor that our relationship was now over. What hurt was that she potentially put my life in jeopardy, and I couldn't forgive her for that. After listening to her talking and crying over the phone for 15 minutes, I hung up and headed over to a medical clinic a couple of blocks away.
After signing in with the front desk, I sat down for a couple of minutes; I couldn't stop my hands from shaking and looked down at the ground to calm myself. I felt a hand on my shoulder a couple of moments later. "You're going to be alright man," he said; he was a fit guy in his mid-20s, I'd say we were around the same age. "No matter what happens in there, your life will go on". I shuttered first at this but thanked him shortly after. Just as I was about to talk to him, my name was called.
"Now Ricardo, when was the last time you had sex?" the nurse asked me. "About two weeks ago" I replied.
"Ok, do you know if your partner is HIV+?"
"Yes, she just told me today. But I pulled out before, yeah. I should be fine right?"
"Did you use any protection when you had sex with her?"
"Not the last time"
"Ok, before you take the test, the doctor is going to speak with you about sexual health. Is that ok?" she asked.
I nodded, and 15 minutes later, the doctor came in.
"Ok, so Mr. Ortega, you have come in today to get tested for HIV. Now before we give you the test, let me first talk to you about HIV and potential treatments. So, do you know how HIV is transmitted?"
"Yes Doctor, it is transferred through bodily fluids" I replied; I caught my hand shaking again.
"It's going to be alright," Doctor Gutierrez told me. "Now, did you use a condom when you had sex with your partner?"
"No, I didn't. I thought that we were exclusive, so no. I just pulled out, but that should be enough right?"
"Well, no. The best way to protect yourself against HIV or any STDs is by using a condom. And the pull-out method does not protect you at all, even if you are trying to prevent pregnancy"
I started to feel my heart rate go faster; "I couldn't have it" I silently told myself, over and over.
"So, do you know about the potential treatments for the disease?"
"No," I said.
"Ok, so if you are tested positive for HIV, then you will receive ARVs or Antiviral Drugs. Now, don't worry, we are not going to be giving you 10+ pills that you would have to take every day. While that was the case a while back, we also have medications that only require at most 3 pills in total"
"Ok," I said. "What would my family think?" I thought to myself. I still listened to the doctor, but what would I do if I got it? What would I do? I then focused on the doctor's words again.
"Ok, so now I am going to have the nurse draw some of your blood, and we will begin the test".
"Ok"
The nurse walked in and inserted the needle into my arm. The blood came out slowly, as I couldn't breathe, not in, nor out. The nurse looked at me in pity as she took my blood.
As I waited for about 20 minutes, I looked back on my life. I was a college senior, interned for Morgan Stanley, and had a job lined up after graduation. I had my whole life set up, it was perfect until Linda called 1.5 hours ago. I saw the same man from earlier across the room, he was holding one of those medication containers. He saw me staring, and walked over.
He told me about his life, and how he got HIV from his partner, who like me, didn't tell him about it. "I was very mad about it when he told me," the man said. "I forced myself to go to a clinic, or else I would have had a mental breakdown. When I was told I was HIV+, I wanted to step in front of a car; I thought my life was over until it wasn't. I took the medicine, and come in to get a refill about every three months. It's been about a year, I've joined a support group. I just want to say you're not alone. You know, my best advice would be-"
"Ricardo" the nurse called, and the man smiled once more at me before I walked into another room.
All I heard was "the test results came out positive. Therefore you are HIV+". I couldn't hear anything after that. "What would society think of me? What about my friends? What about my classmates, teachers? I didn't ask for this! It was one time!" I repeated to myself over and over again in my head.
Sure, I could be treated for it, and medically, I would be able to live. I just couldn't handle the way society itself and people would look at me. These thoughts continued in my head as I walked up the stairs, towards the roof.
I felt the cool breeze as I walked closer to the edge of the 20 story building. It was a nice spring midday, and the sun was out and shining; I even saw many people were outside today, of course, it was a Sunday.
I then reached the edge, and looked down; this made me dizzy. I then looked up. Then my thoughts flooded again with the way of life I'd have to live. "Having HIV is a death sentence," I told myself; I ignored what the doctor said. How could she know, possibly even imagine what I had felt? I then heard the world yelling at me, telling me that it was my fault and that it was my punishment from God. These thoughts continued until I saw the man from earlier walk out of the door 20 floors below me. He looked around at the beautiful sky, put his pill refill in his pocket, then walked towards the subway station, where the sidewalk glimmered with light.
After seeing this, I took 3 steps away from the edge. I was about to turn around when I felt a strong force that felt like many hands push me forward and over the edge.
I didn't feel anything as I hit the concrete about 72 seconds later.
Further Reading:
Everything the New York Times Got So Dangerously Wrong About HIV/AIDS
Is Having HIV a Death Sentence?
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