"Love cleanses, beloved. It doesn't beat you down. It doesn't cast blame. My love isn't a weapon, it's a lifeline. Reach out and take hold, and don't let go." –Michael Hosea, Redeeming Love
At the age of 21, I have already had my good share of broken hearts. I have always been the kind of girl that wore her heart on her sleeve, the one that desires and craves love, intimacy, and the constant reassurance that I am worth something. From the very young age of 11, my obsession with finding my “soul mate” began. I remember coming home every day after school, crying in my bedroom because no guys liked me. I mean every other sixth-grade girl was in a relationship, with their shaved legs, their push-up bras, coach purses, and of course foundation that were four shades too dark for their complexion. And me? I ran cross-country, was a little chunky, had frizzy hair that I tried to straighten, and had a really weird obsession with Star Wars and memorizing Bible verses. In other words, I was a typical, awkward, middle school girl. But yet, I got caught up in believing at a very young age, boys would never like me; that my soul worth came from the approval and affirmation of a man. These fears became a part of me and have followed me throughout the past ten years of my life. Although I have been in several relationships and have fallen in love more than enough times, I still am haunted by this idea.
Through years of emotional abuse, the death of my first love, and giving all of me to any man who would give me the slightest amount of attention, my fears of rejection have turned into lust, anxiety, perfectionism, and settling for just anyone. I have accepted the fear of rejection as the truth over my life and thus have concluded that I am unlovable and worthless for real, genuine love. I have forced myself to be hurt and broken in order to protect myself from the betrayal of men. And although this seemed like a logical plan to protect my heart, it has only made me spiral farther into a pit of self-hate and heartbreak.
Through my brokenness, I prayed for years for God to bring me a man to pick me up and show me what true love is. I was asking the single source for true love to bring me someone else. The irony in this is that I already had it in Jesus, but I didn’t realize that because I was too focused on the hurt and the circumstances I found myself in. I was stuck on a distorted lie that the only way to be accepted is if I prove to humanity that I can be loved.
And with this search, God heard my prayers. He gave me someone whom I thought was everything I have always wanted. But just like any human who thinks their ways are better than His, I was wrong. You see I thought I had the perfect relationship, I thought I could force myself to love him and sacrifice the things I believed in and wanted out of life. I was willing to sacrifice my own happiness for this relationship because I believed he was The One. And with this, I lost sight of who I was, I stopped doing the things that made me feel alive, and began focusing on things that I used to not care about. My insecurities began to come out and my anxiety became a full-blown monster. I thought it was just me not being good enough, but really it was God showing me what I thought I wanted really wasn’t what I wanted at all. Instead of believing in God’s truths and focusing on His plan for my life, I chose to allow my fear of rejection be the driving force to determine what I thought God wanted for me.
In the end, the relationship burnt out and I was thrown away like a piece of trash. I was told that I was too much and too broken to be loved. I was left with a shattered heart and I spiraled down to rock bottomIt was at my weakest point where I found myself on my bathroom floor with a bottle of pills, gasping for breath, when I completely gave up and cried out to God as one last chance of hope. In the midst of my complete brokenness, God threw his love all over me, like an abundance of rain from Heaven. I thought I had lost my last chance for love, but again I had believed a lie. In the midst of my confusion and anger, God revealed to me that His love is what I had been longing for, but I was trying to find it in a conditional and fleshly world. He had to allow my heart to completely break where I had no other option but to reach out to Jesus in order to keep breathing. He has so much love for me, but because of free-will, He allowed me to choose fear and control instead of truth, stability, and complete, unconditional love. I stopped believing that God had a plan for myself, I looked into my circumstances and chose to take the easy way out. I chose to control my own life rather than keeping faith in my creator. I stand here now seeing how stupid and naïve I was to ever think I could find my worth and unconditional love from a man without Jesus. You see I have always known Jesus, but I never really have known Him. I was so insecure within myself because of my broken past that I allowed the lies of the devil to define the way I believed Jesus saw me. I strived so hard to prove to the world and to God that I was good enough to be loved. But when I was left all alone without an explanation for the rejection, I knew God was the only one who could redeem me and rebuild a stable foundation for my life.
In the past two months, I have had a choice to make. I have had to choose between freedom and brokenness. I have had to choose between hatred and forgiveness, I have had to choose between rejection and redemption. For what I thought was the loss of true love and happiness for the rest of my life, was really the gateway to freedom and the blessings God has for my destiny. For without a broken heart, I would have missed the opportunity God had given me to restore my faith in Him and become free from the pain and heartache this world has thrown at me. Without the fall, I would not have grabbed ahold of God and I would keep cycling through men, broken hearts, and unfulfilled expectations.
You see, God answered my prayers. He gave me a man to love me for me, to treat me with respect, and love me differently than anyone else has. He gave me what I thought I needed, but only because it was what I needed to wake up my spirit and find the love and truth that I was rejecting for myself. I thought I could control love and the plans God has for my life, I thought my anxiety was just something I had to live with, and I thought I would always have to earn love in order to feel accepted. But let me tell you the truth, the real truth. We are nothing without Jesus, and we will never find unconditional love in this world without fully embracing God. He is the only one who can give us the love we crave. Without His presence in our lives, anxiety and depression can easily entangle us into a life of instability, self-hatred, lies, and rejection. I thought I was just not good enough for him to stay, but really I was too loved for him to stay. You see, God wants my heart before another man can claim me. He wants to be my first, because He loved me first. He sees me perfectly and wants my complete dedication to him. I am not worthless, I am not unlovable, and I am not too much to handle. I have found the love I have always craved and His name is Jesus Christ.
I no longer am plagued by lies of worthlessness, anxiety, or self-hatred. But rather, I have a restored and stable foundation for my life, I have a straight path to my destiny, and I do not live with the fear that I will never be good enough for love. He has shown me that I must first love Him and myself before a guy can love me the way I deserve to be loved. I thought I had lost the love of my life through his rejection, but rather I have been protected for the right man at the right time through His redemption. I will find love again, I will laugh again, I will be held and kissed again, but next time it won’t fall apart because I know my worth, I know how much I am loved, and I know it can’t come from a guy because that only leads to more heartbreak. The only one who can write our perfect love story is Jesus. He is the only one who can heal us, rebuild us, and show us how much worth we truly have. He is the one who can break down all the lies, the one to make us completely whole without the dependence of another person. He can give us unconditional love, joy, and purpose, and He is the only one who can bless us with another human to grown in and share the pure, unconditional love that God has for us. He is writing my love story.
