My weaknesses. Wow. When I think about them, I get a rush of many different feelings- inadequacy, sadness, loneliness, and incapability. All of these hinder my willingness to go about my day and show others the love of Christ through me. Thinking about them is tough, and writing about them is even tougher. But if writing these will help you, my lovely supporters and co-lifers, then so be it. We all struggle with internal weaknesses and feelings of inadequacy.
My first one I'll admit: I have a tough time with impression. By that, I mean I struggle with wondering about the impression I leave on people. I wonder after every tweet, every instagram, every conversation, and yes… every article I write and send to be published. And after all the wondering and the worrying, I find myself asking God, “Why am I like this?” I hate that particularly insecure part about myself. I am always hoping I glorified God in the perfect way with things I had posted, or hoping that I have left a warming impression with the conversations I had today. The word “impression” weighs heavily on my shoulders, and keeps me from going out in the daily field with confidence the way God called me to.
Another thing I struggle with- keeping record of wrongs. God specifically tells us in 1 Corinthians 13 that if we want to love well, we shall keep no record of wrongs. And if I’m being completely raw and honest, I struggle with that the most. I am a lot better than I used to be about it, thanks to prayer and petition. Keeping record of wrongs keeps relationships from healing and growing; staying aware of this fact helps me to be patient and learn to forgive and forget because no one is perfect and God’s grace is abundant.
Spending. My, my, my if you knew how much I used the excuse “retail therapy.” My momma once asked me why I prefer “retail therapy” instead of “Jesus therapy” and to be honest, I couldn't answer that. It was so convicting. Why, when I get sad, is my first instinct to go to shops and spend instead of brewing some tea, going into the quiet of my room, lighting a candle, opening my bible, and praying? That would be a lot cheaper and I’d get a lot more out of it, I’ll tell you that. Training myself of this habit has been one of the most difficult things, and I am not even close to turning to what I should be turning to, but God loves His works in progress.
And now, my biggest weakness: overthinking. Life is tough, y’all. Daily satan searches for you out on your field and specifically tries to tear you down and destroy you. One of his favorite was to get to me is the crippling act of overthinking. I can twist every situation into just about anything my mind is capable of wandering to. My mind can warp words and body language from others into something completely out of the ordinary if I let it. Girls, feel me on this- we are the WORST at overthinking!!!! I challenge you, if you struggle with overthinking and warping and twisting and stressing- go to God in fervent prayer. He will deliver you from the worries of your mind and heart. He’s holding you! You need not sit and wonder about the likes of other people. He is the only one that matters and His thoughts on you are ALWAYS good!!!
I want to let y'all know you. are. not. alone!!! We all carry heavy insecurities. That's why God made Eve! We are not supposed to go through this alone. Cling tight to your circle and to your relationship with the One who thinks of you as perfect, despite what you think about yourself. Those “things”- God says when you keep them inside they fester in your heart like a splinter, getting worse and spreading the longer you keep them inside. Vulnerability is hard, but I challenge you to find your group that you can be your raw self with. It’s so healthy and it’ll give you an invigorating feeling to share and be comforted. It makes it easier to live and love when you’re open about the hard things you struggle with. Love yourself enough to find your circle and share!!!
I want to thank you guys! Thank you for bearing with me and reading and supporting despite the faults. We struggle. We're humans. We'll get through it.
Walk blessed,
Ash
