At this point in time, anointing Hillary Clinton as the 2016 Democratic presidential candidate would be grossly premature. Nonetheless, thus far, Clinton has earned the backing of more delegates and superdelegates than any other presidential candidate, and it may be merely a matter of time before she seizes the nomination. However, Clinton’s campaign has, in large part, failed to spark any sort of enthusiasm among Democratic constituents; perhaps a track record that reflects her seemingly questionable morals could be what is holding her back.
Ever since she declared her candidacy, Clinton has been under investigation by the FBI for sending what could potentially be sensitive emails on her private server. In addition, while she has not formally been accused of any wrongdoing, in the last week, Clinton’s name has also been associated with the Panama Papers, which is essentially a series of leaked documents that detail the ways in which some of the most powerful people in the world have been using offshore bank accounts to avoid paying their fair share of taxes (avoiding taxes? Doesn't seem very Democratic...).
Perhaps due to her apparent pattern of unethical conduct, Clinton still has to periodically look over her shoulder. Her competition is breathing down her neck, particularly one lesser-known, northeastern-based politician, whose unparalleled character and integrity have caused a great deal of excitement among voters. Of course, I am talking about none other than Vermin Supreme.
What? You haven't heard of him? Vermin Supreme (yes, that is, in fact, his real name) is an actual presidential candidate. Yes, president. As in, President of the United States of America. Since his policies are as wonderful as the boot on his head, the fact that he remains ensnared in political obscurity is a travesty. Nothing is more dangerous than an uneducated voter (except for Donald Trump), so please, I urge you to read on, learn a bit about Vermin Supreme's policies and see how he compares to Hillary Clinton.
Free ponies
Vermin Supreme:
In each of his campaigns, Vermin Supreme has promised to give a free pony to every American. Is he an idealist? Perhaps. Is this practical? Surprisingly, yes. Vermin Supreme has plans for America to switch to an economy that is entirely pony-based. Since citizens would ride ponies instead of driving cars, the use of fossil fuels and dependence on foreign oil would be immensely reduced, and pony manure would be a cost-efficient, effective and environmentally-friendly form of fuel.
Lastly, Vermin Supreme's proposition of an FPIP (Federal Pony Identification Program) would require all citizens to have their pony with them at all times, so citizens would finally no longer need to carry around useless items, like an ID. This extra space in everyone's wallets can instead be used to carry cash, that can be spent on consumer goods, which will in turn help stimulate the country's economy. When it comes to free-pony policy, Vermin Supreme has been a political trailblazer, and he has written the book on free-pony economic rhetoric.
Hillary Clinton:
Unfortunately, no other politician has even attempted to address the free-pony issue, including Hillary Clinton. After extensive research, I was hard-pressed to find a single example of Hillary Clinton's stance on free ponies and the pony-based economic model. Suffice it to say, this will hurt her in the polls.
Free Ponies: Vermin Supreme wins. By a lot.
Healthcare
Vermin Supreme:
One of the most prominent platforms of Vermin Supreme's political campaign is his healthcare initiative. Although he has promised to abolish all other social welfare programs, Vermin Supreme has vowed that, if elected, he will bite back against "moral and oral decay" by establishing new oral healthcare laws. Under his leadership, Dental Re-Education Centers and Preventative Dental Maintenance Detention Facilities would be established. Government-issued toothpaste would contain a harmless, albeit addictive, substance, and teeth brushing would be government-regulated. Vermin Supreme claims that the fight against gingivitis is imperative to the well-being of Americans, and maintains that strong teeth will keep the United States strong as well.
Hillary Clinton:
Hillary Clinton has been a longtime advocate for affordable healthcare, and has been taking measures toward the socialization of healthcare since as early as 1979. Currently, she aims to reduce the prices of out-of-pocket medical costs, as well as prescription pharmaceutical drugs. She is also a supporter of Planned Parenthood.
Healthcare: Hillary wins... barely.
Consistency
Vermin Supreme:
Vermin Supreme has remained remarkably consistent over the duration of his political tenure. Has he ever won an election? No. This is his fourth time running for president, and he has yet to be voted into any sort of political office. However, Vermin is a man who stands by his convictions, which is admirable in and of itself. Although he has switched political parties a few times, Vermin has always identified himself as an anarchist, a friendly fascist and a tyrant that we can trust. He believes that he knows what is best for us, and that we should let him run our lives. Obviously, his heart is in the right place.
Hillary Clinton:
Clinton has reversed course on several issues during the course of her tenure as a politician. Most glaringly, as recently as 2006, Clinton has gone on record opposing same-sex marriage, and was even quoted saying that "marriage is not just a bond, but a sacred bond between a man and a woman."
Interestingly enough, according to a Gallup poll, in 2006, same-sex marriage was supported by about 40 percent of Americans, and opposed by about 60 percent. Since then, those numbers have essentially reversed: in 2015, the same poll shows that same-sex marriage was supported by about 60 percent of Americans, and opposed by about 37 percent. Clinton's stance on the issue seems to have changed as well. Now, she claims that marriage equality is a "Constitutional right." That doesn't mean she is pandering to voters, though... A gal is allowed to change her mind!
Consistency: Vermin Supreme wins.
Overall: Vermin Supreme wins!
After reading this incredibly informative article, you should consider yourself an educated voter. Remember, it is every American's social responsibility to make an informed decision during presidential elections. Typically, low voter turnouts favor Republican candidates, so a no-show at the polls should be considered a Republican vote. Unless you want Donald Trump or Ted Cruz in office, register now.
Vote early, vote often: Vermin Supreme, 2016!
