I know, summer bucket lists suck. They all say the same thing: "Go on a road trip with your friends," "Read all of these books so you'll sound pretentious," or "Contact some evil spirits using a Ouija board and become the main character of some poorly made horror film." Well this isn't your typical summer bucket list... This list includes fun things that you will most definitely do this summer. Like, for sure. Like, if you don't do at least three of these things, all of your friends are going to make fun of you in the fall.

1. Prove that the moon landing was just a conspiracy.

Sure they have "pictures" of "people" on the "moon." But did you know that they (as in The Government, also commonly known as The Man) LOST the "original footage" of man "landing" on "the moon"? Sounds a little bit suspicious to me - but hey, this isn't my summer bucket list. You figure it out.

2. Steal a ship, become a pirate.

Argh, me matey. It's a pirate's life for you this summer! It's pretty simple: find a ship, then steal said ship. Tada! You're a regular old scallywag. I should know, I work at Pirate's Cove Mini Golf. Other things you might need: an eye-patch, a wooden leg, and a parrot.

3. Frame your mortal enemy for murder.

If you need some inspiration, just watch the movie Gone Girl. Just kidding, that movie was kind of scarring. Please don't watch Gone Girl. I'm sure Disney's made a movie about framing someone for murder?

4. Get a tan.

So you can fit in with all the other orange teenagers. It's an oompa-loompa life for me!

5. Make a Pinterest board about Chuck Norris.

Pretty self explanatory.

6. Start a small business.

Lemonade stands, car washes, privately owned ice cream tie factories. The options are endless! They're all pretty much the same, but whatever you choose has to fund #9.

7. Find Bigfoot or his snowy cousin, the abominable snowman.

He's not dangerous, he's just shy.

8. Learn how to play the clarinet.

You can fulfill your lifelong goal of becoming Squidward Tentacles. It will go along great with your apathetic and moody attitude.

9. Find the lost city of Atlantis.

What, this should take three weeks, tops? You've got plenty of time this summer. And this one is DEFINITELY a Disney movie.

10. Get married TO an Elvis impersonator in Vegas.

It's like the old facade of getting married BY an Elvis impersonator but it's so much better because it's TO an Elvis impersonator.

11. Geocaching.

Like that one time I accidentally went geocaching in Iceland? Good times. Obviously it can't be that hard. But it pretty much rocks. Hahahaha. Geo, rocks? Yeah okay I'm sorry.

That's it, that's your summer. You're welcome.

What's that? You didn't thank me yet? Trust me, you will later.

Here's a sarcastic inspirational quote to get you moving.