Dear Santa,

How's it going? I don’t even believe in you. You aren’t real. I will admit, though, that I believed in you for longer than most kids do. I think I was around ten when I stopped believing in you. That’s a little embarrassing, but whatever. Anyway, with the holidays right around the corner, I figured I’d send you a letter.

I’m not here to write to you about toys. I’m too old for those and it would be weird if I asked you for, well, mature toys. You might get requests like that (I mean, we’ve all heard “Santa Baby”) but not from me. Amazon exists, after all. How does it feel knowing people probably get more excited about Amazon Prime deliveries than visits from you? It must not be fun for an old man to be replaced by a website. That’s the 21st century, though. Everything is being replaced by technology.

Does anyone ever ask you what you want for Christmas? I hope they do, but I bet they don’t. Everyone’s too busy bombarding you with requests to think about what you want. You know what, though? Tell me what you want for Christmas and I’ll do my best to get it for you. It has to be within a five dollar budget, though. I’m a broke college student with bills to pay. Being an adult can be tough, Santa. But if there’s anything you want from the dollar store for Christmas, just say the word.

I’d feel selfish if I asked you for things for Christmas. Anything I want would be too complex and complicated, anyway. You can’t make my 21st birthday come any faster. I’m not married to you, so I won’t start a dialogue about how badly I want financial security and a little extra free time. Can you help me better my time management skills? Probably not. I guess asking you for anything is a little far-fetched. If your elves could craft up a pair of jeans that fit me perfectly, though, I’d be the happiest big-butted girl in west Michigan.

Can I be honest with you, Santa? Your whole gig is a little bit creepy. You think just because you leave things instead of stealing things that it somehow makes it okay to break into people’s houses? That just isn’t right, dude. Besides, there are better entry points than a chimney. What if you got stuck? Have you ever thought about that? People look at what you do as philanthropic, but I’m not buying into it. I guess you’re way less creepy than the Easter bunny, though. Now that’s a weird concept.

Anyway, good luck this Christmas.

Sincerely,

Cassidy