Hey,

It's me. You know, the bouncy girl with blonde hair and a constant smile painted across her face? The one who is always trying her hardest to make a giggle erupt from your throat. The girl who laughs even when the worst happens in life. You see me jumping around from various groups of people talking to anyone and everyone, making everyone feel welcome and loved. However, it never crosses your mind to think of how many battles I am going through alone.

When you see me in a daze and I snap back smiling as soon as you holler my name, I am in a totally different world from where you are. My mind is racing with things from the present and past. Honestly, I am thinking of how I can get away. How can I get myself out of here? Where can I go? How much money will I need? Sometimes, I want nothing more than an escape.

I am not sure if I am depressed, but tonight is just one of those nights.The one where I close the door quietly and smile so no one can what's about to happen. The door clicks and locks, then it's time to be free. I stare at the wall for many minutes before finally breaking. I gasp for breath while I sob about everything that went completely wrong all at once. I cry about everything wrong with me, the world, and everything that I just can't deal with. I deal with it the only way I know how. I take large, shuddering breaths while I cry myself to sleep. The next morning I wake up with a sore neck and a pounding headache, but you wouldn't know.

I am tired. The type of tired that no sleep will cure. The type that is crushing on my bones, making it hard for me to stand straight. I am sad. Not the type where retail shopping can heal me. The type of sad where when I try to laugh and tears beg to escape from my eyes and my throat burns. I am drowning, not only in my worries and thoughts, but yours too, for I have made them my own. I am trying to beg you for help. When you look at me and I smile, look into my eyes. They are the only things trying to save me, anymore. I am beyond lost. I have forgotten how to feel. When you hurt me and I look like I am not present it's because I left my body. I can't take anymore pain.

So, why don't you help me? Is it that you can't tell or you don't care? Is it because you think I am safe in my own mind? Possibly, I am good at hiding it. On the contrary, I would notice the exact moment you begin to drown in your own tragedy. This leads me to believe the absolute saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy, because we know what it's like to feel absolutely worthless.

I would never want you to feel like I do. I never want you to struggle through things alone like I have. While you are going about your day, I am studying constantly, looking for all the cues. All the things I have been beyond familiar with. I see the change in your stance, the circles under your eyes, the fake smile. While I am helping you, I am silently praying that maybe you can notice and heal me...

Sincerely,

One you aren't familiar with.