As someone who's perpetually "awkward," socialization and making friends is a bit of an Achilles heel of mine. In any situation outside of a group, it's nigh on impossible for me to find myself branching out from a situation I'm not already placed in to try and say "Hey, do you want to be my friend?" Ironically, in any friend group I've found myself a part of, I'm almost always one of the people that's the most outspoken, or the loudest, or the clown. A good way to put the social archetype I fit closest into would be and "Introverted Extrovert" - beingsocial and interacting in group settings is not difficult for me, butmakingfriends and introducing myself is pretty much rocket science.
As I've spoken about before, anxiety is like that demon sitting on your shoulder telling you to do the wrong thing; you know not to listen to it, and you know you shouldn't, but sometimes its impossible not to. In social situations, bar nothing, its that part of me that tells me that I shouldn't go out, that I shouldn't be social, that I'm just too weird to really be a good friend to anyone. I know these things aren't true, but again, the part of my boardroom that is anxiety isn't a part that I always have control over, if I do of any specific part, for that matter.
Nothing inhibits socialization more than anxiety. Though, for me, I know that Asperger's also has a say in what I do and don't handle smoothly, which in turn makes initiating a friendship near impossible for me. Part of my own compulsive reluctance to attempt to make friends or to "put myself out there" and try and meet new people, is I've moved so much! In high school, I went to 5 different boarding schools in 3 different states, so each year I had to somewhat recreate my social life, and find new people and new friends to group myself with. Because of this it became difficult to commit myself to any specific group of people since I always felt as if I would move. I eventually grew out of this, but the reluctance to put myself in a new social situation is, in some way, stemmed from having to re start that so many times.
My closest friend once told me "Not everyone will like you, but not everyone matters." I think this is a good mantra for me to follow, since, especially in college, there will be people you will be friends with, and people you wont, and some that will move somewhere between the two during your time at college, or even at any point in time in life. We will encounter people who do and don't want to be in our lives, regardless of what we want, ultimately, they choose what they want to do. When we accept the reality that we cannot control other people, then the grief or loss that may come with the failed possibility of a relationship or friendship becomes less bearing.
When I moved to college, I found myself in a somewhat similar situation. I was in a new environment than I had ever been before, and not only that, it was one that worked entirely differently than I was used to. In high school, people group a lot more frequently than in college. That is, in high school, you can be grouped with the same people for every single one of your classes, and that's pretty common - high school is pretty linear in that aspect, but college can be a lot more sporadic. I probably won't ever have a class with anyone I had a class freshman year with; I see those people around campus, but I don't really spend much time around them since the "friend group" I am part of doesn't necessarily include them.
Moving outside of any pre-existing group of friends is difficult for anyone who suffers from social anxiety or is on the spectrum; there is something daunting and provoking about putting yourself in a social situation where you are vulnerable. I find that, when I force myself to go out of my comfort zone, it makes things uncomfortable at first, but eventually, I don't regret the decision to go into a situation blind. It's like, if you don't force yourself to go out of your comfort zone, then you inhibit your ability to grow as a person and experience all that you can. I can think of plenty of people I either didn't like or thought I would never be friends with that, because of me putting in that extra effort, I am now either close to or have a friendship that I otherwise would not have had.
Similarly, I find that whenever I spend time with someone or a group that I'm not familiar with for the first time, I may be somewhat awkward or at loss for words - which has lead to many an attempted friendship gone south, since very few people understand diagnoses and are as sympathetic as should be towards this kind of thing, but again - not everyone matters. It's like the old saying when you break up with someone: "There are plenty of fish in the sea." It may hurt and you may feel sad when an attempted friendship or group of people rejects you, but the process of finding a group that you fit well in is one of trial and error - you will find people that don't want to be in your life and you will find people that do, and some that will originally not want to be, but may change, and vice versa.
In the graduation speech given by the senior class speaker at my high school, she said "Your friends at the beginning of Semester 1 may not be your friends at the end of the year, and your enemies in Semester 1 may bear your children next September." It's a bit of a harsh way of saying that nothing is set in stone, and when we allow ourselves to go with the flow, things that initially seem disappointing may in fact grow to be good things, and things that aren't good by nature have less power over us. Self-love is the most important part of being human, and when we put ourselves first, then the people that matter will come to us (so to speak -we must still put ourselves out there). Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind, is a classic way of putting that when you put your 100% effort in, and are completely authentic, and someone still rejects you, then they aren't someone that you need in your life. And even if you don't, if you are a broken, hurting, pained human being who just needs to be loved, then the people that matter and care and love you will surround you with themselves.
I have, on many an occasion, sat down with people that I do not know, know very little to not at all, or even people that disliked me, and listened to them talk about their struggles or problems for as long as they needed me. There are some of these people I have not spoken to or we have lost since then, but nonetheless being the kind of person that people can count on whenever they need someone is an endearing trait to have, and something that naturally draws people in. I tell each and every one of my friends that if they ever need me, no matter what time of day, that they have my phone number and to call me until I answer. When people know that you are dependable, honest, and caring, then that draws them towards your friendship-- though if you do one bad thing, people will remember, it is important to realize that those who judge your character off of a single mistake or something you have done are those who do not matter. You may, to a degree, reap what you sow, but it is up to you to decide what you allow to affect you.
