Hi, my name is Erica and I have herpes. That statement is all I can think to say when meeting people for the first time. Really, anyone, because you never know who is going to end up being a romantic connection after you get to know them. Dating with an STI is terrifying and the stigma around genital herpes is so engrained in our society that I sometimes feel helpless against the thoughts that I am worthless, grotesque and unloveable. I wish I could say I’m not ashamed. I wish I could say I feel stronger for it. In any other circumstance, that would be true. I’ve endured some heavy shit in my day, but this has been my kryptonite, so to speak. Not too long ago, I stumbled across a Youtube channel called StyleLikeU. It’s a seriously powerful endeavor called The What’s Underneath Project. I recommend getting lost enough to marathon all of the videos in the series because every single one is amazing. But one in particular moved me and that was the episode with Ella Dawson, a feminist and sex writer who outwardly shares her HSV story and owns that shit. It was so empowering that I knew, in that moment, that I wanted to join that fight for acceptance and normalization. I’m still working through my own acceptance and forgiveness, but even though my hands are trembling a bit as I type this, for fear of judgment or rejection, I felt it was more important to speak out and hopefully someone somewhere who is feeling what I am feeling will feel just a tiny bit better. A tiny bit more human. A tiny bit more normal.
I found out that I had herpes while I was in a relationship. It was a casual one, but I had fallen hard and was playing cool because I knew he wasn’t totally on the same page. When I told him the news, he disappeared. My guess is that I contracted it from him, but I’ll never really know. HSV can lie dormant and symptoms can creep up long after the initial exposure. That one fact alone gave me permission to blame myself and go on pining for the guy who probably deserved the blame, the shame and then some. I really sank and felt totally alone. I took to the internet and tried to find support groups. I even found a dating website just for people with STDs. I thought if I vowed to only date other people with HSV forever, I could avoid having to ever tell anyone and get rejected. Luckily, someone (in real life) came along who pursued my heart and accepted me, ALL of me, and helped reassure me that it didn’t make him want me any less and it wasn’t an issue as long as we were smart about it. We had two great years and I never passed it to him.
In fact, I had other serious relationships after that that were just as healing and I felt completely normal in the bedroom, with no guilt or shame to bog down the sexual vibes. However, the second a breakup would happen and I found myself ankle deep in the dating kiddie pool again, all of that meant nothing. That was just one crazy person who was dumb enough to see past the leprosy that is genital herpes. A fluke. No one else would be so careless and irrational. After one particular breakup, I was in such a bad place that I hooked up with someone and didn’t tell them beforehand that I had an STI. There was flirting and I so desperately wanted to feel wanted and normal that I let it continue. I had one drink too many and the next thing I knew we had done more than what (I feel) is right to do without telling someone. The idea of telling them after the fact was so horrifying that I never did and that is, most likely, the worst thing I’ve ever done to another person.
It shouldn’t be like that. I am in no way justifying what I did, but no one should feel that fearful about something that isn’t even dangerous to their health. I equate it to acne and a good number of people with HSV are completely asymptomatic, but the stigma around it wins every time. The jokes are plentiful. The rejection is real. Before this happened to me, I was the first person to make a joke about herpes. So, I suppose this is my karma and I am, actually, grateful for the extremely important lesson in humility that I needed to learn, but I do so wish I could have learned it another way.
Will I find love in my life even though I have herpes? Yes. Will dating be a little extra traumatic? Yes, that too. All I can say is that I wish we had a different perception of people with STDs in this culture. We are all, essentially, victims in that we got stuck with something we didn’t want (usually from someone who didn’t make us aware of their condition) and we’re still just people. I feel lucky that I didn’t get an STD that could put me at risk for serious health issues and I greatly and humbly sympathize with that journey for some, but to the un-afflicted part of society, we are all the same, we are unclean, and people are afraid of us.
If I had one hope, it would be that people would be more educated about sexually transmitted diseases. Sex education in this country is seriously lacking and the majority of the people I talk to about HSV don’t know how it is contracted, how it is prevented or what the disease actually IS. Even all of that is secondary to the statistics on how many people HAVE herpes. The CDC claims that, "In the United States, about one out of every six people aged 14 to 49 years have genital herpes". One out of six!
One last thing: If you found out that you contracted an STI, no matter what your story is, no matter how you handle it, you are still a human being that’s no better or worse than any other human being. You are still loveable. You are nothing to be afraid of or hesitant around. Also, (and this one is important) I promise you that you will not live a life of rejection. The people who love you will not miss the opportunity to have you in their lives because of this. If you need support, find other people in your situation. I may not have personally stuck with it, but finding a community online in the beginning really was comforting. It was anonymous enough for me to feel safe enough to open up and just knowing that so many other people were going through what I was going through was helpful. There are many great resources online to talk to people who will understand what you’re going through and be there to help you through the process of accepting and living with your STI and PositivesSingles is a great dating website for people who have STDs if you're ready to get back out there, but aren't ready to start having "the conversation". I hope one day it gets easier out there in the dating world. Not just for people like me, but for everyone. We need to treat each other with more respect and find common ground instead of seeking out differences to justify maliciousness. Having herpes is nothing to be ashamed of. It doesn’t make me a slut. It doesn’t make me a plaque among people. It just makes me human. Perfectly flawed and, hopefully, one day I will be totally ok with that.
